Sunday, January 31, 2010


I am.


Friday, January 29, 2010

Face of Melinda

Face of Melinda, by the extraordinary Opeth

Just just... listen to that fucking breakdown and the outro.

It just gets to me every single time...


Monday, January 25, 2010

The Best things in Life

Well I would have made a list like this one (by Farah, Observations of a Jordanian), but she really said everything I love about Jordan.

So I thought I'd make a list about the best things in life that really pass by unappreciated sometimes (even by those who appreciate them):

1) Led Zeppelin morning! Whether it's rainy, sunny, foggy, fucky, shitty, Led Zeppelin can always make it better! Ironically "Night Flight" is amazing in the morning.

2) Blogging and getting comments (I'm sorry I had to!! AND IT'S TRUE!).

3) Headbanging with long hair!

4) Having long hair and being able to ignore comments.

5) Running for no reason at all.

6) Having random conversations with random people.

7) Working in an awesome team and having a family-like atmosphere when you work.

8) Going to Jabal Amman at 9 in the morning and having breakfast.

9) Watching a concert in Souk Jara (watching any concert at all actually).

10) Vandalizing (I'm sorry it's just a lot of fun sometimes) as long as you don't hurt people, and as long as do stuff that could be undone.

11) Playing a music instrument.

12) Creating a work of art (sketch/painting/musical piece).

13) Working all night before a design submission and doing well.

14) Waiting for a submission with other people in the basement.

15) Winning an argument.

16) Being the best player on your team in a game of DotA.

17) Being an amazing support on your team in a game of DotA.

18) Saving someone's ass in DotA when their hp is 10 or something, and them saying "ty" afterwards.

19) Denying a tower in DotA (especially when the other team is attacking it at the same time).

20) Writing a good blog post.

21) Watching the sunrise/sunset while in or by any body of water xD.

22) Having conversations when you just forget the time.

23) Appreciating things after their gone and smiling when you remember them.

24) Washing dishes!!! (I really loved it!)

25) Getting drunk with a good bunch of friends.

26) Walking in Rainbow Street after drinking then taking a piss at "Tche Tche" lol.

27) Seriously, DotA is one hell of a game.

28) Being right!

29) Winning an argument.

30) Presenting a good design and being flattered :D

31) Cooking.

32) Led Zeppelin and EVERY SINGLE SONG OF THIERS!!! Seriously, I can not stress this enough!

33) System of a Down and singing along to their songs with a friend (or alone).

34) Playing a blues solo.

35) Shredding.

36) Learning a song on the guitar (or any instrument) through transcribing.

37) Playing an awesome riff that you made up.

38) Smoking a cigarette outside and having a nice view and someone you could be quiet with.

39) Having someone who cares about you/loves you.

40) Taking a shit!!!! I mean you just literally let things out!! hahahah

41) Waking up early and thinking that you have to wake up early for whatever reason, then remembering that there's nothing you have to wake up for.

42) Having a nice/fucked up/weird dream with random things popping out. (I had a dream about Miley Cirus the other day o.0)

43) Kissing! 'Nuff said!

44) Trolling people.

45) Playing the drums!!!!!

46) Listening to an Iron Maiden song on TV (VH1 Rocks plays them sometimes and for some reason the song is 200% more powerful!).

47) Writing lists like this!

48) Having that bond with your country, one way or another.

49) Randomly talking to people on the street coz they're part of the research for the project.

50) Being relaxed.

51) Being hyper.

I guess that's it!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Random one

so I'm close to 333 posts

I'm SOO gonna write my 333rd post at like 3:33 am :D


Soooo... what's up Saed?

Wallahi wala ishi kullo tamam.

Got falafel with my sister today, taghyeer jaw. We bonded a little it was nice.

My mother went to Lebanon (Beirut) on thursday morning. She's gonna be there for a while with some old friends of hers from school. Pretty cool!
I'm really proud of her :)

Oh you should really listen to a song by Pantera called Hollow.
Post it?

Oh okay haha... no

Why? Because nobody will listen to it. So look it up yourself if you people feel like listening to a good song.

Metal Gear Solid is still downloading coz the one I got didn't work.

I also chose to abort my baby, Falcon punches work wonders.

Yeah so what's with that whole Haiti thingy?

I mean "bawwww haiti" and all that stuff.

But seriously, celebrities were talking about the subject, and I think they talk about it way too much. I think it's pretty cool that they're helping them out and all, but I think it's gonna be another trend at some point and celebrities are gonna support Haiti whether they care or not just to market. But don't get me wrong, I don't mean that that all of them are in the support thing for all the wrong reasons.

But here's another point. Palestine has been getting raped for what is it now? 60 years? Yeah no trend can live that long right? Hmmmm....

Oh and nobody aided Gaza when they got flooded by Israel and isolated into a country's asshole. How about they help a country that's being affected by humans (since you can actually talk to humans) and let the country that got hit by nature revive, they're not under any pressure.

One celebrity I saw on TV (who I don't even know) said "We have to support them emotionally along with financially, I mean it's gotta affect you when you see all the dead bodies etc etc..." (that's the gist btw, not direct quoting)
Well how about being born in a battlefield and living in it, then dying in it?
I bet that's scarring, too. I believe that does very much affect you, no?

Support them how about that?

(Disagree? go suck a monkey's nipple and finger its red ass)

So what else is new?


Lol yeah >.>

*cough* yeah

Okay! My job here is done!


Friday, January 22, 2010

I can't sleep :\

Well the title says it all...

It's really quiet, Amman is sounding dead rather than asleep.

I have been lying down in bed since 2:00am (and it's 4:10am now) and I really can't sleep. I have done nothing but flip around, think, and glare at the wall.

Well I guess now I'm doing something different meh; yay the holiday started >.>

I haven't done anything fun in a while, been busy with exams and now I guess people have more important things to look after.

Farah's grandmother passed away, and I guess that's a lot to cope with, I hope she'll be fine.
Abidal is... well I dunno what he's doing.
Shadi is in Amman for a while I think I think I'll give him a call sometime, might go have breakfast with him tomorrow, but since I can't even sleep, I don't think I will.

So lately it has just been me writing a bunch of stuff and messing around on the guitar (whose strings are already getting screwed and stuff).

Meh I think I'm still getting better; there's still a lot to learn, though.

I'm gonna go see if there's something fun to do.

EDIT 4:22am:

Yeah not much to do...

The thoughts are just having this huge gigantic clusterfuck in my head, making my heart and brain completely numb. I am almost sure that this will pass, and I'll be able to be confident, talkative, and strong again soon.
I don't even know what I'm thinking of...

I guess at some point I'm just thinking of life in general...

Man I really hope I can perform my ideas on stage sometime, so many concepts and stuff... lol...

What is life, anyway...

I mean it is pretty much a cliche, but what's the point?

They say it's to find love; to find someone else in order to make the trip worthwhile. But isn't finding love itself a bit of a pain in the ass? lol

For me I think it IS about finding love, and everyone finds it in different ways.

I think my aim in life is to have a huge influence on people. A legend.
A legend with his footprint on the system's testicles.

Heh heh... just *POP!* (that's one pop because we all know that the system has one testicle), and BAM footprint!

But yeah...

I guess I'm typing that down for myself.
Hell I'm doing everything for myself.

But yeah... A legend...
I mean creating art is probably the best way to show the world the good that grows out of "bad".

Truth is that all surroundings are good. I mean humans adapt to anything... I think how we adapt makes us who we are... how we adapt gives us our identities.

I wonder what I adapted to...?

I really wonder what made me what I am today...

I mean I know the influences, but I still don't know why it takes me a long time to stop being shy in person. Well actually I'm not shy with people, unless I'm really close to them.

I mean why should I care about how other people see me?

But I always have a reason to care about how my family and closest friends see me.

There's always the bad side that comes out and pushes people away. Everyone has it, I think... (Am I right?)

Maybe people are meant to lie to people close to them...

Maybe as a man I'm meant to suck things up always, just because I have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and end up dying from a heart attack.

Jealous? suck it up
Paranoid? suck it up
Panicking? suck it up
Someone you care about isn't getting to know you? suck it up
Sucking things up is destroying your spirit and now you can't get anything because you can't lie/hide things? suck that up, too!

Then after you die from sucking things up to the level of everything drowns your own heart in its own blood, everyone would say "oh poor thing, if only he let things out once in a while"
or (and i really quote this one from personal experience) "if only we paid him enough attention while he was alive"

But so far, I only see that people don't respect people who let things out. Unless they let them out meanly.
They would either be called fags or over-sensitive vags if they let it out normally.
Or they would have gotten ignored and given second-hand "msayara" attention.

But people like Hitler and other dictators, they let things out on the world, and did a whole lot of illogical shit. And people respect them.

But of course, our time of logic is mislead and is in fact the same as it was a long fucking time ago.

People respect nothing but power...

And at some level I see my being nice to people as a weakness.
And when I'm not nice I see myself as an asshole.
And when I don't care and I'm just happy and letting out good energy it's no use, and I get shot down.

Then if you don't care about anyone, people just get interested about what you say/do because it's different, and they follow you and like you until they see your truth and then they throw you away like a disposable dildo (which, in the end, we all are... god's disposable dildoes; godheads please excuse me, you too god; it's a figure of speech).

How can you get close to anyone if that's how they're gonna be in your "logic/ill-logic/whatever you wanna call it"?

Fear of the "truth" (or the brutal/shallow truth of nature which old people speak of) to actually be true.
Just like god's followers actually fear his nonexistence.

I think I fear the existence of good people without bad intentions or without repercussions [sp, don't feel like spell checking].

I know I know... you try and - meh - you learn.

I think that you should maybe keep the barriers up until you're not interesting as a figure anymore, but rather an interesting person with a good personality to someone. That's when you see whether it's a lie or not.

I think I'm part the "shy" artist who creates, and part the "confident" persona who presents and does things. And they mix and stuff. Then there's the "dork" part. Then there's the "self-destructive" part.

Actually I'm not shy, I just get nervous sometimes coz I dunno what to say.
And if I don't care I'll stay quiet.

Meh it's pretty confusing...
Why do you need to know yourself, anyway? :\

My goodness... how fragile we are...
There's a child in all of us...

You either let the child be and risk getting surprise buttsecks'd by life, or you put up walls (as you're meant to do in systems) and be lifeless.

How? I guess we'll all find a way at some point.

I think this pretty much sounds like the fragility within us all...

Lol... maybe I'm thinking too much. But I just can't help it.

Have a nice day

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


One of my favourite songs of all time.

It's actually a cover, it's originally by a band called "Berlin"

Here you go

Metro, by System of a Down


I'm alone, sitting with my broken glass
My four walls follow me through my past
I was on a Paris train
I emerged in London rain
And you waiting there swimming through apologies

I remember searching for the perfect words
I was hoping you might change your mind
I remember a soldier standing next to me
Riding on the Metro

I was smiling as you took my hand
Saw the mood we spoke in France
You were passed as shallow word
It isn't passed there's still the hurt
You were passed as shallow word
It isn't passed there's still the hurt
I can see you now smiling as I pulled away..

I remember the letter wrinkled in my hand
"I'll love you always" filled my eyes
I remember the night we walked along the Seine
Riding on the Metro

I remember a feeling coming over me
Then the soldier turned and walked away
F**k you for loving me
Riding on the Metro

Tuesday, January 19, 2010


Problem officer?

I think I'm getting picked up!


unless maybe master trixxed us (lolseewutididthar?)


(Hold your head up) MOVING ON!

So apparently the oldest profession in the world is manwhoring? AHAHAAHAHAH

Ahh my goodness I crack myself up sometimes xD
I thought the first profession (informal profession, that is) would be jacking lumber (as in a lumberjack lawl) not being a manwhore -.-

oh wait it is jacking lumber... off

Anyway, being the dork I am, guess what I'm doing?! MOAR EPSXE GAMES LAL!!

Downloading Metal Gear Solid (that really awesome one from ps1) and Final Fantasy IX (coz I miss it and it's entertaining)

I dunno why I feel like playing those stuff but yeah I really feel like it!

That is all. Now fuck off.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Just a little something for you to listen to as it the sky rains its ass off... nicely.

Come on it does fit nicely with the pouring rain doesn't it? It's a NICE PIECE! YOU LOVE IT AND YOU WILL LISTEN!!!!!

Lol okay so yeah it's still raining and I have an exam now. Hopefully I'll find a taxi.

Also, you just lost the game.

I really don't feel like going out, my bed was so warm :(

Yeah so I'm gonna talk until I finish this cigarette.

So how are we all doing?

Meh nevermind I now have to go walk (IN THE RAIN!!) and get a cab.

Have a nice day! :)

Friday, January 15, 2010

I love you Maul :)

Always there for me :D


Who says you need to be hard/horny to have a fucking orgasm?!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Trashed, Lost, and Strungout

By Children of Bodom

They don't admire this band for no reason.

Listen to that energy

Heavy fucking metal baby!!! \m/

They're not overrated.

Lyrics (I think they have a few mistakes in them; typos and such):
Once a day falling on the trail walking blind trade nothing discretion in low,
It's hard to wait taking yourself in honor I should know how low I can go.

Before I go high I'm very down,
And I'll be going after it again and again.

You try biting all the way not be one to be trashed, lost and strungout,
Then again try something fucked to mess around with what's to coming out.

Before I go high I'm very down,
And I'll be going after it again and again.

Come on!

Maybe I shouldn't profisize my life what the fuck have I done to you?
But did you ever be harassed, with my head still trying to tell me what the fuck to do!

I need to get it to the point where I cannot do,
Nothing but trying to be strungout on you.
Let me drown way deep down below for a sleep that'll surely let go.
Until the end I raise and batter around looking at my own reflection.
Forever lost I kiss you good bye to kill my soul addiction.

Before I go I hit the ground,
The only way I ever get down,
And with the next you'll tell me where to go,
Then I'll be going after it more and more!

I need to get it to the point where I cannot do,
Nothing but trying to be strungout on you.
Let me drown way deep down below for a sleep that'll surely let go.
Until the end I raise and batter around looking at my own reflection.
Forever lost I kiss you good bye to kill my soul addiction.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Something I'm proud of

Supposedly Professor Majd Al-Homoud has left our university for good, but I don't really know.
She is one of the best professors I have ever met.

Anyway, this was my work while I took the first Architectural design course with her.

Some of the work does not look so good coz of the camera and stuff, and it looks better in real life. The shading looks like crap in the pictures.

Anyway, I'm proud of this work and I thought I would share.

PS if the work looks dirty, it's because the wall was.

v v v
Steel Life.

5 most important people of 2009

Well it's a bit late but come on people, you've gotta have a list in the new year.

1. Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris is always #1

2. Obama

Pwned the KKK, nothing more, nothing less, nothing else.

3. Osama Bin Laden

Still the Hide and Seek champion since what is it now...? 7 YEARS?!!!?? ZOMG PWNAGE!!

4. Whoever the hell created twitter

Now people can talk to themselves more than talking to others

5. Gloria Jean's

Because it's where the biggest design breakthroughs have happened.


And the laptop is running out of battery, so bye now.


Sunday, January 10, 2010

I can't fucking believe this....

You know what? FUCK you, and FUCK your shallow friends.
I never fucking thought that you would end up being just as shallow as they are.

You wanna run away?
"Mish mostawa"?

RUN the FUCK away ashoof what the fuck you're gonna do.
Then we'll see exactly shoo howwe illi mish mostawa.

You know exactly what our situation is, and you know exactly how much she needs the subject in matter.

She fucking SHOULD take the damn job, and it's not your fucking business coz you have no say coz you are in fact unproductive and you are not doing your best at anything except for showing off just like your fucking idiotic, airheaded, dumbass "friends".

You were fucking changing yourself for people and you became something that I fucking despise. I only saw it now.

You fucking talk to us like we're below you, like you're the fucking master.

Well the only reason we fucking put up with it is because you say you're sad/depressed or whatever.

Well fuck you!


Who the FUCK do you think you are!?!?

Stop fucking talking the talk haik habal!!

You act like something that you ARE NOT, maybe you will be that one day, but I really don't think so due to the attitude you have right now. Not with that fucking "E! Entertainment Channel" kind of """"THINKING""""

Who the hell do you think you are?!?!


I could swear to the fact that you are brainwashed by all the dumb things in life!!


Shame on you.


"ugh mish mostawa! shoo a7ki la sa7baati! keef biddi attalla3 bi 5il2ithom"

KOS O5T 5il2ithom!

I am fucking disappointed.



Your "values" are nothing but rainbows on the foundations of human fashion...

Shame on you...

And you wonder how you stress her out...
Change that fucking attitude...

Saturday, January 9, 2010


Dear Dr. Maram,

I am sending you this e-mail representing our design section. It is probable that you can guess what the request "we" are going to make is; we would like to ask you kindly - and despreately - for postponing the jury date of our section.

The reason for this request, while cliche, is unfortunately true. The reason being the fact that we are swamped with the workload and time draining of other subjects, other final exams, and other attendance of lectures. We would very much like to ask that you postpone the submission for one further week.

My personal reason, which I would like to add, is the fact that I am strongly trying to somehow manage to find a way to combine your latest suggestion to my creation with my concept of equality and creating a distinct Ammani Architecture (to create a pride and bonding between the people). Plus, I have a lot of organising to do when it comes to the alternatives and chronological order of presentation. It is - unfortunately - taking me a lot of time, again considering the fact that we have other workloads.

I apologize deeply on our behalf for this request, I really hope that we would be able to have more time, so that we would be able to present the works which would meet your expectations and ours. Hopefully we would be able to make you proud.

Yours sincerely,

Saed Tillawi

All Apologies

Sorry if this blog ended up being a bit of a depression hole.

And I'm sorry if I depress you still, but I honestly don't care because this blog is personal and not made to please, and I can say anything I want. I would state this as a disclaimer somewhere, but I have no idea how.

And I'm also sorry if I depress you all, in any way, coz if I'm feeling troubled too much lately, but I really don't care. I'm going through a lot of shit.

To whom it may concern.

To sum things up...

So I wrote an entire post, but I don't wanna share it, like it would have a meaning if I posted it anyway.

Point is...

Life really changed...
I don't wanna grow up and die while being alive...
I am deeply disturbed...


Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Drop C Tuning

I came

Oh hi I got some words and I thought I'd just drop them by and see what happens...

So I saw this poem on THIS BLOG HERE (MI VIDA)

Amazing poem

Edgar Alan Poe

Maybe it'll cheer some of you up, maybe it'll bring you down, it kinda gave me some hope...

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were---I have not seen
As others saw---I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I lov'd, I loved alone.
Then---in my childhood---in the dawn
Of a most stormy life---was drawn
From ev'ry depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that 'round me roll'd
In its autumn tint of gold---
From the lightning in the sky
As it pass'd me flying by---
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.

So this is a tad unrelated for some and others...
But the poem and beauty brought me to this...

Sometimes we wish that we could bring back the past... I chose to never do that, I never would have been myself today

Goddess somethings are worth going back for...

What is and what should never be......
What is, anyway?
What should never be if it has already been?
What is the past and should it have remained? Should it have still been there?

Fate is a load of crap if you ask me...

Who you are determines who you become and what you get...

No regrets...

We only regret when we lose, and we are content when we are happy...

So just live by the moment...

We are what the world makes us, if we don't like it, I guess we do what we wanna be and hope we will be ourselves...
After whatever happens...
And if you're yourself and still have regret and know something, then take it coz it might not come by itself and not everything is easy...
Goddess I am me...
Goddess a word can cut into me...
A bunch of words of that much depth are to sweeten and maybe it's time for my defeat?
Am I tinking too much or are the signs as clear as I wish them to be...?

Also I started this new blog that's anonymous, well I guess it's not anonymous anymore, I'm putting together a conceptual thing.
Thought I would write things that would be fit for a whole artwork of poetry and music.
So far I have words, the music will come out in time, I'd need a new guitar for that -.-
Nothing from there is posted here though.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Porcelain Heart

Porcelain Heart, by Opeth


I, lost all I had (one April day),
I, turned to my friends (nothing to see),
I, wrote down a name (and read it twice),
I, wallow in shame.

I, said that I love (eternal schemes),
I, cling to my past (like childish dreams)
I, promised to stay (and dwell my grief)
I, went far away.

I see roads beneath my feet,
Lead me through wastelands of deceit,
Rest your head now, don't you cry,
Don't ever ask the reason why

Kept inside our idle race
Ghost of an idol's false embrace
Rest your head now don't you cry
Don't ever ask the reasons why.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Here it goes...

Alright "readers", try and keep up with this one... :)

Life is a strange thing...

One second things go well, then you get screwed over, then you get hopeful, then you lose something amazing, then you get something else coz you wanna get busy with something other than what you lost, then you work hard, then you realize that you're not a shithead, then you realize how shitheaded you are, then you work a bit, then you realize things are going pretty well, then you realize you can do better, then you do better, then you lose the game, then you get yourself up, then you lose that and gain something else, then you lose that and gain work, then you realize that life is nothing but a game, then you get screwed and pissed and realize that the game isn't worth playing, then you for some reason feel adequate enough to be someone, then you play the game again, and you don't care about anything, coz you feel like you're leaving a print in people's lives, then you don't care about the loss and you just live the moment...

:) Then you know that later you're gonna be cursing at stuff and saying "oh fuck me what the hell was I thinking when I wrote this -.-"

I think working and feeling useful is what controls our mood...

And when you feel useless and incapable to be something at work, you kinda go somewhere else to feel important... then as soon as you work, you ditch and go back to feeling useful in the system, we all love to belong...
And the person sharing your temporary, hypocritical beliefs (which were probably born out of the feeling of being useless) is sacrificed, and is dubbed a devil, a rebel, a rebel against the system, just like you once were, and you are gone...
And you become a systematic shithead, and you search for signs saying otherwise in other places...

Poor Devil... shunned for something that eliminates her/his nature...
But nevertheless, she/he fights on... for the sake of her/his beliefs...
I can't help but admire her/him... :)

When you're not accepted, you hold on to your beliefs more
When you are accepted, you become more careless about your beliefs and become more hypocritical (take religions being a minority or a majority, it really affects the people's belief in them).
I'm sure you can see what I'm saying here, no?

You know what's funny...?

People are all the same...

It's just our different experiences which make us different...

I think that you either have ACTUAL LOVE or a JOB that makes you feel useful... I don't think you can have both...
But we shall see...

You know what else is really funny?

The fact that people see themselves as the center of the world...
And if they don't feel like that coz they give too much, then they seek it...

Am I a hypocrite..?
Hahah yeah! We all are!

We all are...

I'm going to promise myself something tonight...

I pledge myself to my beliefs...
I will not change myself to belong to a system or to be liked...
I will be myself; because if I change myself to be accepted, then the people who already accepted me will be hurt... I had a chance to start over and be myself... and I will take it...
I will not change myself for compassion and intimacy...
I will not be uncomfortable for the fact that I want to be liked for once rather than be the rebel the whole time...
I will be myself...
I am myself...
I will be strong enough to have the courage to be myself... And not caring about others, nor changing for them...
I will follow my beliefs coz it really is annoying when people say something then do the other, it's horrible...
I will follow my distinct morals, forged by demons, angels, fire, water, earth, wind, natives, foreigners...
I will not change my beliefs in order to survive, I am greater than that...
My mind is what sets me apart and my spirit is what will carry me through...
And my footprint will be left on the world's buttcheeks, because I choose to be different...
I will be strong...
I will be proud...
Nothing will bring me down...

Saed Tillawi