Monday, April 26, 2010

I hate liking someone it really sucks ass, especially having a crush on someone, seriously.

You just get butterflies in your stomach and feel like staring at their beautiful face >.<

Creepy, I know. But all emotions are sick when put out of context, and when not felt along with other people who feel the same.

Makes sense?



She's really cute, you have no idea how many times I thought of just going up to her and asking her out. But I don't drive, and that kinda kills my confidence, probably because of what my sister said. My sister is a bit of a bitch sometimes, because her words are just sharp and deadly especially if you're not prepared for her next inconsiderate/harsh word, and you never will be.

But I don't care, I don't want the license, I'm a spaz when it comes to driving, I suck at it and I don't really enjoy it much, fuck that. Problem is that Jordan's public trasnportation sucks.

Anyway for some reason I think people love people with cars. It's like a sense of security for them or whatever. So probably I'll be alone until I get a car, even though I hate cars, and don't crave them, and would hate to be driving in traffic, though you have to do that in order to survive. Must we really lock ourselves away in our own little boxes the whole time?

The fact that people only use their private cars is something that increases the barrier between people (SOCIAL EXCLUSION, MAN!) in Jordan. And I make a point when I don't drive. I believe that I change a person every single time I tell a taxi driver that "people don't go to a university to fuck or get fucked."

You would scream racist slurs at someone and they wouldn't defend themselves, and you wouldn't be heard, so you wouldn't feel good, and they'd just not care and think they're okay. I mean seriously, how can you change something if you don't stand up for it?

It's like that in Jordan; there's a war in the street; yeah, I mean it's literally in the street. Every person is in their car, like it's their own prison cell, and they don't deal with anyone else, the impact of that is clear; everyone slows down, everyone is seperated from everyone else.

I think if the public (if you can even call people in Jordan public) sticks together, we can get a much better country. But in our current situation, if the upper class sticks together, they can't change anything, and if the lower class sticks together it can't do anything. So basically we're seperated and fucked and we're a dumb bunch of people. Truth is there is no definition of "class" in Jordan.

In extremes, there are 4 classes in Jordan. There are basically the people with little money, and the people with a whole lot of money, then there are the people with little money who are educated so they seem like they have money, and the people with a lot of money who are uneducated and shallow.

I'm starting to think that fixing public transportation, along with the obvious (education), is the first way to start fixing our country. Think about it, it's cheaper, it's more environmentally friendly, it's easier to organize yourself with it, it provides more jobs, it improves productivity, it allows people to move around without being demotivated, it increases acceptance when people interact together, it allows interaction.

Well why the wait? Why isn't anyone making that step? Yes, we have busses, but the people are not really connected yet, why would anyone use a bus if they feel like they're going to be violated in there?

This is when the government comes into play. We always whine, but we don't do much about it, they can force us. Yet we can pressure them for what we want, only if we're aware of something and are actually willing to do something. Let's help eachother out, no?
"And I've had recurring nightmares, that I was loved for who I am;
Missed the opportunity to be a better man..."

-Muse, "Hoodoo"

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

reality....

And they say the world is full of balance

What balance is there?

If I'm a sick fucked up crazy insane person, what's the fucking balance of it.

I jsut threw a fit. Started with the guitar, the guitar isn't feeling friendly lately, it's not fitting with my hands well...
maybe it's jsut that I'm agry lately...

maybe I'm just a fucked up person...

maybe I'm a schizophrenic...

maybe I'm bipolar...

maybe I have serious issues that I don't even know about, just like Freud says...

maybe I'm just a fucked up person...



But no matter what...

I will never see what balance there is in humanity...

Yeah I lost my fucking father, oh how wonderful, the balance is me bewing more feminine; what a fucking cocksucking smartassed balance that is.
I'm a fucking indisciplined idiot, oh how fucking awesome is that, it doesn't balance for shit...
I'm a fucking loser...
I'm a faker...

All my laughter is a reaction to a person talking to me, I don't even have to understand what they say...

I almost fucking destroyed my guitar again... I just punched it a few times...
well excuse me but I didn't mean to but it's just not going well... the guitar is just not going along with me, or maybe I'm not going along with it, EVEN FUCKING TOHUGH I'm doing what I always do, and I'm holding it like I always hold it, and go figure.... I throw a fit, bang my head into a few doors, punch a few things, break a few things, then feel fucking guilty as fuck for punching the wall and worrying about my hands and my head and my guitar playing skills.

Then I kick the closet door and feel bad for breaking that magnet thing at the bottom of it or whatever

Then I feel like an unappreciative bastard...


Look at me..................


Back to my old self again...................


Just being the good old me again.........

Useless, pessimist, good-for-nothing, hopeless, dumbass, idiot bastard who does nothing well....


Not even play the guitar... which is his fucking passion

Not even play the drums... which is another passion

Not even draw... which is a thing he did for his entire life

Not even work ... which is something that he has to do


all he can do is feel sorry for himself and feel like shit and be a dickhead who whines and fucks himself and has no social life and no friends but for people he fakes himself in front of.....

When in reality all he wants to do is just be quiet and do nothing, because thats exactly what he sees himself.... nothing.... just pure fucking nothingness with nothing to do and nothing that cares and no meaning in his life and not a single importance

After all the blame, there is nobody else left to blame but himself...


How can I help myself....

How can I help myself....

FOR GOD'S FUCKING COCK'S SAKE JUST SOMEBODY HEAR ME AND HELP ME OUT FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!!!


HEAR ME!!!! GIVE ME SOME FUCKING ATTENTION AND TELL ME THAT I'M WORTH LOVING AND THAT I'M NOT A DISSAPOINTMENT IF I DO WHAT THE HELL I WANT TO DO!!!! FOR FUCK'S SAKE LET ME BE ME!! WHOEVER THE FUCK THAT IS!!!!

Just tell me that until I fucking believe it...





WHO AM I!!!!!

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Deadheaded taxi

Fucking fuckhead, yes it's a dying cat that got hit by a car, instead of stopping to watch it die in your rear view mirror and laughing, shut the fuck up and don't make jokes, you sick sick fucking bastard. I'd rather see people like you getting their limbs torn off and getting eaten alive by ravens and rats rather than a cat. I hope you fucking have an accident with your fucked up driving.

It's people like you who make others suffer; people who don't care; people without apathy; people who make others actually suffer; I hope you die like the fucking bug that you are.

It's people who drive like you do who kill innocent souls.

Fucking dickhead. And you had been talking about prayer.
You sick cockheaded fucker.




Also, I think it's the cat that used to stay at Abidal's house sometimes and we used to play with it a long time ago. It had been living in his neighborhood, and we always recognized it. A beautiful black cat.

RIP

All nighter I

Holy shit, I have 366 blog posts xD


Anyway, I'm up working on design, fee tasleem tomorrow, blog.

Funny thing is that when I saw 366 I remembered my module (3) lol, fits perfectly.

Can't listen to music out loud anymore, my mom and sister went to sleep.

Btw, very much loving Muse right now. Their song Resistance is fucking epic. Well all of their songs are epic.


*long sigh* :)

I feel as if I'm in a state of nirvana.

I feel strong, yet worried, yet able to not care, yet very caring.



So much on my mind, so much I can't say, so much I wish I could, so much I wish I could just speak.
So much wonders wishing to be answered, but can't occupy myself, must keep pushing forward.

Also, we found a drummer (finally).

Wrote a few songs, we'll see what happens.

Might have a faggy name for the band, but I hope we don't lol.


Well my break is over, Godspeed, Cap'n.

I'll probably post again later, blog. If not, then there'll only be a "Part I".

Friday, April 16, 2010

Marning!

Ahh sweet Death Metal morning.

Dude, seriously, the most fucked up yet VERY VERY AWESOME (for some reason o.0) dreams today!!!

First one: I was with this girl from german class I like and stuff, and yeah a little physical, then before you fucking know it I started seeing some bad gang of people (from what I figured during the dream) and they were apparently very hateful of kids >.>

Anyway, kids getting smashed into walls, blood everywhere, kids getting severed, stuff like that, then all of a sudden their badass dude was like doing his evil laugh part, and then I started seeing other figures kinda like screaming and being scared shitless. They didn't look very friendly. Anyway, yeah very bloody shit.

Second dream had some people I know from uni and back from school, apparently i had to go through some puzzles and mazes in order to survive, while other people I knew were like chilling and it was okay, though sometimes they didn't. It was really random.
One "maze/puzzle" involved nothing visible, but when you press a button on the ground, you realize that you have gasoline all over you, and every now and then, a very prince-of-persia-ish trap would show up; spikes coming out of the ground, and the holes were barely noticeable.

Anyway, some guy tried to mess with a trap or something and then he pulled out his own chainsaw and tried to chop his leg off (noooo idea why, what a dumbass!) then the chainsaw got stuck in his thigh, then he cut off a piece of his thigh so that he can get the chainsaw back and continued chopping his leg off, then I woke up.


Phew, scareh! lol anyway I wrote it down so that I don't forget it

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

FUCKING HELL YEAHHH!!!

I was on the fucking radio! Oh shit forgot to say that the band is back, and WE WERE ON THE RADIO this week! :D


HAAAH I JUST HEARD THE RERUN I WAS ON THE RADIO!! ON THE "ROCK OUT WITH MAHA" SHOW!

yeah shoulda posted this sooner so moar people can hear it lol

BUT YEAH!!!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

State of life

Oh, me.....


If I had to lose a mile
If I had to touch feelings
I would lose my soul
The way I do

I don't have to think
I only have to do it
The results are always perfect
But that's old news.

Would you like to hear my voice
Sprinkled with emotion
Invented at your birth?

I can't see the end of me
My whole expanse I cannot see
I formulate infinity
and store it deep inside of me

If I had to lose a mile
If I had to touch feelings
I would lose my soul
The way I do

I don't have to think
I only have to do it
The results are always perfect
And that's old news

Would you like to hear my voice
Sprinkled with emotion
Invented at your birth?

I can't see the end of me
My whole expanse I cannot see

I formulate infinity
and store it deep inside of me



I formulate infinity
and store it deep inside of me...

Saturday, April 10, 2010

WAKA waka WAKAWAKA waka waka WAKAWAKA waka waka WAKAWAKA


BREWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


CHAN CHAKACHAKACHAKACHAKA CHAN CHAN CHAN CHAKACHAKA

WOAAAAHHH!!!!

Sanity

I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself

Friday, April 9, 2010

Something?

Don't ever (and I mean EVER) hold anything (and I mean ANYTHING) in.




Fuck you, first of all, I don't care about your damn problems. Just coz you have a fucking problem you fucking bastard, it doesn't mean you have to end up acting like a fucking fucked up fucked in the head cab driver.

Fuck you, second of all, and fuck your butter paper you horny little slut I hope you choke on a fucking tree branch while you're giving it a blowjob, and I hope you die with a tree trunk up your ass you shithead. IT'S THE FUCKING WORK THAT FUCKING MATTERS NOT WHAT YOU PRESENT IT ON but I bet you're one of those uptight cuntheaded shitfaces who just do what they're told and I hope I die in a pool of ass juice before I become like anyone like you, yes I fucking wish that happens rather than me becoming anything like you.

Fuck you, third of all, fuck you and all of you you fat dumbass uptight neurotic bitch, next time we work you will not give orders and leave to be with your boyfriend so you can get fingerfucked or shitfaced under that fucking poor excuse of morals that you call a god. I hope you die.

Fuck you, fourth of all, you don't have to be a fucking slut in order to make it in life, you make me wanna throw up. And you have disgusting habits and you're not fucking lebanese you're from fucking saudi ta3rees arabia, so quit the accent and sluttiness and go fuck the damn teacher if you're that horny. and shut the FUCK up.


Fuck you, fifth of all, I don't care aobut your fucking relationships, let me be. You know my situation, you know that I don't care, you know that I'm busy.

Fuck you, sixth of all, I don't care if you get pissed, I'm busy. So go hump a leg.




Fuck you, min il aa5er :)

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Lol

Final word.

A clear final word.

Well at least it's an actual word.

Go figure.

The jury has spoken.



Don't care. Honestly don't. I have my relief. Finally, and an honest answer.

And no you haven't said any of that before.
Good night, mess.
A thousand times goodbye
.


Oh and there goes the band.


But that's life, eh?

One second you're up, the next you're up at 12am trying to work but can't focus, sick, still wearing the clothes you were wearing for uni which stink of diesel smoke, dropped a subject, and raped by the divine dildo of the gods.


Oh and sucking something up is NEVER a good idea.


Just... FUCK.

People are fucking hypocrites, and the system of the world is flawed, and I will destroy it.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Dear Earphones

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DON'T GET RUINED!! PLEASEE!!


PLEASE!!!