Endless, Nameless, Restless

Drugs

2010-08-31T01:25:00.003+03:00

NO I DONT DEAL DRUGS NOR DO THEM!

(wouldn't mind trying though BUT THATS NOT THE POINT)

SERIOUS PART STARTS HERE:

Isn't it funny how some people do drugs and they just see stuff and think differently, and you take them to rehab.

But aren't drugs kinda like god?

I mean a lotta people are against the idea of god.

And god can make you seem a bit supersticious.

Drugs can make you hallucinate.

"DERP SAED ARE YOU COMPARING GOD TO DRUGS!! HOW HORRIBLE OF YOU!! ASTA5FARALLAH BURN IN HELL!!!"

well stfu

"KKLOL"

it's similar.

Just like when people tell you "man you gotta secure your future" it's like believing in god, but people would say "man you gotta secure your afterlife"

THINK

2010-08-31T01:25:00.000+03:00

Night

2010-08-15T04:33:00.004+03:00

Just up at 4:33am. Can't sleep. This weekend seriously violated my sleeping schedule.

Funny thing... Arabic makes things sound more complex than they are sometimes... I'm just saying lol, kolo 5ara ya 3aalam it's not like that. Find your nirvana somewhere else, rather than analyzing every single thing. why are people scared of contradicting themselves? lol :D (seewutididthar?)

I have a Calculus quiz tomorrow and i have to be up in 3 hours. But it's nothing big, done it before and stuff.

Oh well...

Funny thing... being up right now, listening to the prayer, it sounds kinda nice. Anything religious should never be played in a taxi, and should never be played then forced upon others, and nobody should make you stop playing music for it. It's a respect to everything spiritual. I'm not religious, and I don't follow a religion, but it's good manners to just not play music when there's a prayer around.

Another funny thing... Why do people only ask those who don't fast "why don't you fast?" when not a single person asks someone who is fasting "why are you fasting?"

I mean seriously people, asking anyone whos fasting that question would give Amman a higher class of thinking lol.

Also, Marty Friedman (ex-Guitarist of Megadeth), has a bunch of nice instrumentals from his solo albums. You should listen to "Night" and "Loneliness", they're pretty soothing.

Hm..

Oh I got new strings today. I hope that by the end of this month I am able to get an effects pedal. That would be amazing. Then maybe I would be able to get a good guitar later. I really have some stuff that I wanna put down in music. OH and I should go get that rababa already :\

Meh... Well for now I'm broke and I need to like... slow down.

Hmm I guess I'm a bit lost at this time.

You know it's weird.

So many things happened in the past year now that I think about it. You know I'm pretty sure I got misunderstood and fucked and bent over and got better and got confused and all that, but from last year to now, I think it went pretty well.

After this summer semester is over I'm gonna re-intensify my playing. Like the past year I have been like messing around scales, learning some here-and-theres, funk stuff then jazz stuff then mixing some blues with arab-sounding scales. Like I discovered stuff on my own in a way. Got some of me out there in my playing style. I can solo along with almost any rythem. But I need more consistancy in my playing. Lost that yellow pick one day, and now I'm playing with a friend's glow-in-the-dark pick which really slips out of my fingers a lot and makes me feel unstable on the guitar. My sweaty hands need the old pick back :\

Oh well.

What to do now... still got almost half of the laptop's battery left...

No thougts right now.

Just unstable. It's a lotta weight now that I think about it being there for your family and being the "man of the house". I mean I realized the past few months that I'm actually in the house and that my being there and my actions affect more than I know.

GOSH I wanna drink so bad lol. The family kinda reunites over drinks. It's pretty cool. But I'm thinking about not drinking this Ramadan. But I don't wanna make that promise to myself yet because I probably will end up drinking with Imad at some point. Yeah I'm broke though, so we'll see what happens with that lol.

I really feel like going out with a bunch of people but I gotta say. Now, from personal experience, I really understand how an economy can stress you out and create problems at home. If you don't go out much, you feel like shit, and you stress out REALLY EASILY, and you have NOTHING TO DO, and well... you become unproductive and develop stuff to get rid of the boredom. Oh and you feel a tad unsocial, but that'll probably change tomorrow for me since I will be making human contact at uni lol.

Hmm... there isn't much to talk about with people :\ it really sucks. Lol it would be funny if they could like just watch you rant as if they're reading your blog (oh nevermind, that would be vlogging).

But yeah, I'm sick of so much small talk -.- I mean it's the end of the semester and you still get people asking "2a man shoo 3alek halla2? 5allaset?" DUDE, you see me sitting 3al 2ard zay il sha77ad with people here EVERYDAY, do you think I suddenly have a class I have to go to? ... well then again I'm being a bit harsh, it's a good conversation starter... sometimes.

Well actually the thing is that if you actually have something to talk aobut, you talk. Some people just don't click and you just stare at eachother and around you and touch yourself (appropriately here, calm down kids), tap on your thigh, and you just don't talk. YOU JUST CAN'T TALK.

Yeah it sucks ass doesn't it?

Meh oh well.

I guess sometimes those awkward situations are created mentally. Like you meet someone for a while, then you go "oh we just don't click" but you might "click", and probably you will, coz probably everyone can "click", it's just about the attitude, and the stubborn assholeness of the people. But we all have our rights to choose who we talk to. Then the awkward attitude became a pandemic and people everywhere tend to resort to it.

Yes btw 3am bafti la2alla wo batfalsaf, but I think I'm starting to get sleepy so yay!!!

Funny I never thought I would keep blogging til now. I mean blogging was a phase where a lot of people got into it, then just a few good ones remain and keep writing. It was like a trend at some point. But I still enjoy it from time to time.

Is life really all aobut phases? I hope I never lose my passion for anything I do. I think I lost my passion for drawing since I became an architecture student. It drains your passion really, you learn to become a part of the system, a pawn in a monarchy, a cog in the machine. I don't want that. They really try to tame your artistic talents in school and university. It's almost shameless. And your parents make you study because giving up your passion is the best way to be "secure"

Security sucks. I don't wanna have a secure life. It's nice to be a freebird. We don't have enoguh freebirds in Jordan to inspire revolution or strength or passion in the people. It's horrible. We're so systemized, we're trapped in whining about the things that don't matter really, and we don't realize what we're a part of until it's too late.

We're just a part of the system and we're going according to plan by not fighting back. Now they're trying to organize our art into their system. Just like they organized artists to be architects.

Meh..

Oh shit it's 5:07 now, :\ gotta sleep now. :)

Nice talkin to ya, minshoofak man, yalla salam, 3ala raasi walla

lol'd

Okay yalla good night fuckers

In celebration of the Earth Mother

2010-08-10T13:58:00.005+03:00

Alyana says:
do u fast
Sa3ed says:
nope
do you?
Alyana says:
yuo
u dont
lol
dont u wana try to?
Sa3ed says:
i used to zamaan then no lol
and no i dont wanna try >.<
Alyana says:
why
Sa3ed says:
i dunno dont feel like it
Alyana says:
u dont have to feel like it
Sa3ed says:
o.0
huh? lol
Alyana says:
exactly
Alyana says:
there are something thing u do which u dont have to feel like
just do it
Sa3ed says:
give me a good reason lol
btw what you said still didnt make sense
Alyana says:
sometimes its healthy to take a parallel road
Sa3ed says:
well yeah, i used to fast, now i dont
Alyana says:
what didnt make sense?
Sa3ed says:
and some days i dont eat alot
its a bunch of roads
xD
Alyana says:
why did u used to fast?
what happend now?
Sa3ed says:
coz i was a kid and used to just be scared, and i didnt think about why i fasted i just did
Alyana says:
well u get good deads if u do
Sa3ed says:
and i learned some discipline from it, but i dont really feel like fasting anymore
lol, i get good deeds from a lotta things other than just not eating
Alyana says:
its not about Not eating
Ramadan is not defined as: a month of just not eating
its true u do get good deed by other things
but this month is like an offer
Sa3ed says:
lol
Alyana says:
of getting double and tripple the deeds
lool dont laugh\
its true
Sa3ed says:
shoo sales? xD
yeah i remember hearing that from school, but it doesnt make sense to like, do good in the month, and then end up forgetting aobut it the rest of the year
Alyana says:
mu sales am tryna talk in a way u;d understand it
lool
Sa3ed says:
whic ha lotta people do coz of them being forced to do it
lol yeah i know what tou mean xD
Alyana says:
ita not about that
its not like how u phrased it
Sa3ed says:
lol i know
but inno the point is
Alyana says:
aha..?
Sa3ed says:
even if it's an offer to get even more "good deeds", the idea of "an offer" just seems like a bad idea, since people should be doing good the whole year
and i do that
Alyana says:
u do good all the year
but in this month
Sa3ed says:
and i'll keep it up through the month, but i'll eat lol
Alyana says:
its called shahr el maghfirah
which means
Sa3ed says:
forgiveness
Alyana says:
the doors of heaven opens and dors of hell closes
its like do one tiny good thing and u;d bunch of good deeds
so why not do the '3ibadeh' which u r required to do
Sa3ed says:
but why do i need to if im already doing good stufF? lol
Alyana says:
coz the wrong stuff u did all year long will be forgiven
If u do what u r asked for
Sa3ed says:
i am pretty sure i probably did NOTHING wrong all year, except for failing classes lol
Alyana says:
u think 'drinking' is not wrong
in a way?
Sa3ed says:
i dont think it is wrong to be honest
Alyana says:
did u Not curse at anyone in this year?
Sa3ed says:
yeah, but why is cursing bad if it does no harm?
Alyana says:
for every action u do
u either get a good or bad deed for it
Sa3ed says:
i mean unless you insult someone, and i didnt insult anyone
Alyana says:
how can u tell that it does no harm
Sa3ed says:
can't you tell when you harm someone?
Alyana says:
not all the time
if u wer in a cab
and u cursed at a guy without him knowing
u take all the bad deeds
very small actions
Sa3ed says:
not really, did you never curse at someone in your head?
Alyana says:
i do
Sa3ed says:
and why would i take bad deeds if i didnt hurt anyone?
it's not like i got outta the car wo i told him "yee shoo 7mar, what are you doing? leish nayem 3al matab"
Alyana says:
coz u know how it is said: al2a3mal bel niyyat
nayem 3al matab? lmao
Sa3ed says:
yeah, and if my intention is venting out the fact that the dude in the car pissed me off, why would it be bad?
looool yeah when they slow down 3ala matab xD
Alyana says:
lool
see
Sa3ed says:
what? o.0
Alyana says:
thats how u think about things
Sa3ed says:
and....?
Alyana says:
u think good and bad deeds are only about if u harm others or not
Sa3ed says:
of course it is
give me a bad deed that odesnt hurt anyone
Alyana says:
what about religion?
God
what he asks from u
the 5 basics..
u not fasting ramadan is a bad deed wich doesnt harm anyone
Sa3ed says:
well, my idea of god is that hes understanding, and no offense 3anjad, but i don't imagine god as an entity wanting people to give him attention
yeah well me not fasting isnt really a bad deed
why would it be a bad deed if i didnt fast?
Alyana says:
ok why did God ask people to fast from the first place then?
Sa3ed says:
well
Alyana says:
coz its a rule set which u have to fallow
Sa3ed says:
no i dont think so
Alyana says:
a ule with benefits
Sa3ed says:
i think he created fasting in order for people to realize the value of what they have
no, the cause comes before the effect
Alyana says:
exactly...its a rule with a lot of benefits
Sa3ed says:
it's not like "okay fast" then he thought "oh this is useful!"
lol
no it's benefits which became a rule
i got my benefit
Alyana says:
tayyeb mtl drinking
Sa3ed says:
and i have value for everything
Alyana says:
people used to drink zman
and it was allowed
but then when people started to abuse it and get drunk
sarat forbiden
Sa3ed says:
yeah
im not abusing it
and actually
Alyana says:
so that means
Sa3ed says:
its not coz they abuse it -.-
Alyana says:
there is a reason
Sa3ed says:
because they started sleeping around, going crazy
hurting eachother
Alyana says:
for everything we are asked for
Sa3ed says:
there IS a reason
and thats why i do something and consider the reason of it, not the rule
Alyana says:
exactly
Sa3ed says:
i drink
Alyana says:
well
there are a lot of thing we as humans dont know the reasons of it
Sa3ed says:
but when im drunk, i dont sleep around and get people pregnant, in fact when i drink, a lot of people enjoy my company
Alyana says:
so to stay on the safe side..u just do all what u r asked for
Sa3ed says:
well i dont think it should be a safe side thing, i mean god would understand why you do things, and he would get pissed if you like.. do something wrong
doing something wrong is different that NOT doing something right (on a personal scale)
Alyana says:
like..?
Sa3ed says:
and if we never make mistakes we will never learn
Alyana says:
not doing what he is askig u to do
Sa3ed says:
huh?
okay, tab whats the logic behind him asking us to do things?
answer is the fact that he wants us to learn things
not coz he just wants us to follow
Alyana says:
exactly
Sa3ed says:
so i dont think he'd mind if we learned our lessons
exactly -.-
Alyana says:
its not just about learing a lesson
Sa3ed says:
willa? what do u think it is?
Alyana says:
its a 3ibadeh
its like prayng
Sa3ed says:
praying is in fact meditation, kinda like a time to be alone with yourself
Alyana says:
and he was reallly easy on people and made it only one month of the year not the whole year
Sa3ed says:
dude
Alyana says:
lool i just love those arguments..i do em every ramadan with different people
Sa3ed says:
yeah ur not very good at them
its like no matter what i say you end up at "just do what he says" lol
and i tell you, i did what he said a few times, and i learned the lessons
why should i do it again
if i value everything
and i have morals higher than people who do pray (biggest example. my aunt's husband) hes a nassab but he has a le7yeh and prays and went to 3omra and hes greedy
Alyana says:
no saed
Sa3ed says:
dude -.-
Alyana says:
its deeper than that
i jsut dont know how to explain it to you
Sa3ed says:
coz you dont know the explaination -.-
Alyana says:
alyana is not good at talking
Sa3ed says:
looool
keef its deeper?
Alyana says:
but if only u get into my head u know what i mean
i do know the explanation ofcours
Sa3ed says:
if you're gonna be talking about how you have to be at his mercy in order to live, and that he wnats us to live at his mercy i really disagree
Alyana says:
why u think i do fast from the first place
Sa3ed says:
tab say it lol
Alyana says:
i;ve been telling
u
Sa3ed says:
its deep, and i do know that depth and i reach it whether i do everything he says or not -.-
Alyana says:
but coz u dont belive in God from the first place.
Sa3ed says:
ma da5al -.-
Alyana says:
then ur nt gna get convised law mallion saneh
dakhal
Sa3ed says:
dude -.-
1st, im agnostic, not an atheist
Alyana says:
coz u dont believe in having 'basics' in ur religion
Sa3ed says:
huh?
i dont get what you meant the last thing
by the last thing*
Alyana says:
basics?
Sa3ed says:
the whole statement
Alyana says:
there are difference in every religion
christiany, islam and jew are close and shi wa7ed that makes em different or shaghliten
Islam believe in one God and mohd his prophet
Sa3ed says:
dude ur going off topic
Alyana says:
and thr book is Quraan
wait
christianity, jesus son of god and thr book is the bible
what r u?
what book do u have?
Sa3ed says:
lol
Alyana says:
and what do u exactly believe in?
Sa3ed says:
okay can i talk now?
Alyana says:
2al calculus beh
Sa3ed says:
looooool
Alyana says:
ok..
Sa3ed says:
HAHA
okay
Alyana says:
oh yeah i got a 6
Sa3ed says:
wait we'll talk about that later
Alyana says:
lol
Sa3ed says:
okay what i believe in is that god does exist
and every religion is a person's (prophet's) method of reaching god
that is all it's that simpl
simple*
now some religions say that drinking is bad, because probably at the time it started, people drank in a completely irresponsible manner
arent religions all from the same god?
then why would god tell christians it's okay to drink responsibly, while in islam it's completely wrong?
because each was at a different time
each were brought by different people
and people acted differently at the time
Alyana says:
exactly
Sa3ed says:
why was there 7ijab? because back then men fucked everything 3adi
Alyana says:
thats why God sent a rasool for every time period
Sa3ed says:
im not done --
lol
Alyana says:
ok..
Sa3ed says:
xD
people are different at each time. People had no value for food, and an excessive amount of food was like a luxury, even if half of it went to waste. they used to eat bil habal. fasting is like bringing the idea of "dont eat too much, but understand the value of everything"
religions themselves even as a whole
indirectly, if you think deep enough, it says "enjoy your freedom, but don't step on other people's toes
that's the golden rule
don't hurt anyone
it depends on the time
and i dont fast because i dont eat too much, i dont spend too much, im very careful about certain things
and i know you're supposed to follow the rule, but if you have the essence and the cause of the rule instated in you, why must you keep fasting? sure it will instill the idea of fasting in you, but trust me, i know the value of everything due to fasting on other things in life
other than food and cursing, i dont spend too much
that's like fasting
the discipline of fasting could be learnt in many ways
the schools teach you discipline
your home teaches you discipline
if you're poor you learn discipline about eating too much and spending too much and you learn to be careful
you learn to tihnk
not ONLY through fasting
so my opinion is that i dont have to fast because i am already learning what is meant to be learnt through my lifestyle and my conditions of living
and im sure that god would understand that
so i dont stick to one religion
and my belief about religion is that i have none, because religion in our time is nothing but politics
best example is terrorism in the name of islam
back in the rasool's days they fought smartly
mish suicidally
they retreated when they had t
to
and they used force when they wanted to tell the others to be careful
now they're doing it mindlessly, it's not religion at all
so my belief is that religions are politics and that god does exist
but i reach god by taking from everything i learn about him
Sa3ed says:
i read about satanism (i learned to fight back if someon treads on my feet too much) i read about bhuddism (and learned about simplicity in lifestyle) i read about christianity (learned about forgiveness) read about and was raised with islam (and i learned about discipline and the value of freedom and how people can ruin god for others)
so no i dont believe that i NEED to follow rules to please god
i meditate/pray through music
since prayer is in fact meditation and focussing of mind power in a direction

Sa3ed says:
i meditate when i play music and go into a trance through playing the guitar and getting caught up with a melody
i pray when i sit in silence
i learn the value of my life and health when i smoke
and i learn the beauty of being sober after im drunk
thats what i believe in
the end
phew t3ibet
Alyana says:
*claps*
a5eeran

Alyana says:
what i waned to sa saed
Weedz says:
ya 5ayen u deleted me
Alyana says:
some of what u said made sense and others didnts
Weedz says:
LOOL
Alyana says:
am talking
Weedz says:
go ahead plz

Sa3ed says:
i didnt delete you i always see you online o.0
Alyana says:
u saidu beleive that every person should be his own prophet
Alyana says:
and a summary of what u said
Weedz says:
i dont c u
Sa3ed says:
no i didnt say that lol
Weedz says:
elmohem
lets listen to what alyana is saying
Alyana says:
is that u have ur own ways in.. praying and learing values and those things
Sa3ed says:
i said that some people followed some prophers ideas coz it fit their lives. and thats waht i think everyone should do
yeah
Alyana says:
well thats wrong
coz prophets were sent in different times and places for different people
like for examply 8awm loo6
but what we believe in
Sa3ed says:
it's not wrong
Alyana says:
is that we know phrophet mohd is the last prophet who gave us ALL the rules of life past, present and future
Sa3ed says:
i disagree
he is the last prophet
but the world changes
Alyana says:
exatly
Sa3ed says:
their world is gone, it's time for a new religion to be here
Weedz says:
but u see .. i disagree that he gave us rules
Alyana says:
have u ever read Quraan?
Weedz says:
the world changes
Sa3ed says:
well not literally
Weedz says:
n he knew that
Alyana says:
have u heard of shyookh?
Weedz says:
n so did God...
they didnt give rules
Islam isnt a set of rules like many make it to be
its a framework
Alyana says:
Quraan has things lissa el 3elem ma 3irfo
Sa3ed says:
dude, im not arguing about islam
Alyana says:
ma ana beddi awaslan to the point of why u should fast
Weedz says:
its really not that hard
do you believe in God?!
Sa3ed says:
yes, but not in religions
Alyana says:
u dont believe in religions coz of what u see from others
thats wrong
Weedz says:
ma da5al... u believe there an all mighty being out there n if it wasnt for that all mighty being u wouldnt be here?
Sa3ed says:
if you put it that way, no :\ see you guys kinda ruin the beauty of god too
its like everyone puts god as "the ruler" or "the dude who'll kick your ass if you're bad"
i see him as the person who forgives you and helps you out
hes not egotistical such that he'd want everyone to just bow down to him
Alyana says:
wel he does forgive you
he helps u a lot
Sa3ed says:
i know that
Alyana says:
he keeping u alive now
Sa3ed says:
see now ur makign him like a warden
Weedz says:
u may believe God, Allah, Yahwe', Mother Nature, Father Time.......... whatever it is you want to believe..... but the Question is do you believe in that power that over rules all?!
Sa3ed says:
dude
it doesn't rule us, it's not a politician lol thats what i hate about religion most of all
lol
it's just there
Weedz says:
I don't believe in a God I fear either
I believe in a God I love ...
Sa3ed says:
yeah, and hes cool he gets my jokes and understands art
Weedz says:
7elu
very nice
Sa3ed says:
and for my part i play music and enjoy the beauty of nature
Weedz says:
he's there...
thats what I want to get to.
Sa3ed says:
he doesnt go "DUDE MA TAKOL I WILL MAKE YOU WALK ON A THIN KNIFE"
Weedz says:
like Oxygen is there and like Trees are there
Sa3ed says:
yeah
it's just part of everything
Weedz says:
exactly
Sa3ed says:
everything has a soul, and hes the soul of the universe
Weedz says:
He IS everything .. not literally
but I mean present in everything
u believe that ?! yes !?
Sa3ed says:
yeah
and it's a she
just coz i can believe that lol
Weedz says:
LOL
Sa3ed says:
alyana comments?
Weedz says:
I believe He is an IT!
Alyana says:
well sorry its not a SHE
Sa3ed says:
yeah should be
Weedz says:
an energy source
a power
Alyana says:
wala IT
its an HE
Sa3ed says:
oh god..
Weedz says:
ma da5al....
Alyana says:
well that what I believe in

Second round

2010-07-29T11:44:00.002+03:00

Second round sucked ass. The only good part was watching Kima play before us. Then we went up there, sucked ass, and left. But fuck it meh.

Vocalist sucked, drummer sucked, I screwed up at one small part at the end of a song. We're supposed to play tomorrow but I think I'm gonna ditch the band or something.

Oh well, more experience.

LIVE PERFORMANCE!

2010-07-21T22:41:00.002+03:00

I played live with a band :)

I thought I sounded okay, and that we sounded okay. And I think I screwed up a few times, but everyone said they saw just one small slip and didnt notice anything else, so I guess it was good. But I hope next time would be better.

:D

Nervous

2010-07-11T23:16:00.002+03:00

Nervous

Nervous nervous nervous nervous nervous nervous just soooo fucking nervous!!! MAN!!!

halp halp halp halp :(

I'm so fucking nervous........

But no I have to take a chance and work my ass off, and I will, and I have to...

2010-07-11T01:25:00.003+03:00

Well hey blog, it's me again!

Missed me? I didn't think so.

Yeah I'm just gonna rant, or rather speak my mind. Been a while eh?

Still as psychotic, more pacified, more sarcastic and cynical, laughing at death of a human and tearing at musical sounds and the freedom enjoyed by other creatures.

There's just so much I would say.

Everything is just so fucking surreal right now.
Nothing is happening, I can't feel you anymore, give me my poison let me sense the life in me again. Let it come out.

So much going on, can't be controlled, I don't have the tools to let them out, they're too expensive

Set me free.....

If you deny the evil in you, you deny your true power. And that's what this blog is. I'm not gonna bring anyone down, but I will be honest and tell about everything that's behind the good citizen who is hoping to help the country in one way or another.

I actually did miss blogging, it's actually beautiful when you blog and people might pass by and read what you say but ignore it and don't realize what they miss.

Man I dunno...

I really dunno...

God dammit this feeling... have I felt it before?

Is this really how I was? man some things can really ruin someone, but I'm glad I don't remember feeling this way before, but meh... I don't quite know...

A person being himself the whole time, am I?

Being myself is everything, from the start to the end, I lie, I speak honesty, I am flawed, I am holy, I am broken, I am surviving.

Constant inconsistancy.
Inconsistant consistancy.
Free captivity.
Captive freedom.
Dead life.
Living death.

Nothing but life on the whim of the wind. I live on the edge of nothingness with the belief of safety behind me.

Just harbor the constant and vary with the constant, spin in the broken winds, let out the rage at the prison and let the rage take the form of beauty.

Indeed, though, vuvuzelas are pretty epic to use, you can't blame the audience.

2010-07-11T01:13:00.001+03:00

wat

2010-07-03T08:49:00.003+03:00

Well Good EFFING Morning Amman!
(more excited rather than angry)

Amman is just pushing limits of luxury in order to survive everyday.
I guess that's how it comes up.

"what good business can we start for cheap?"
"well cheap means we don't actually have a place"
"yeah, so delivery, what is there that doesn't get delivered in Amman?"
"well ta7seen, I'm glad you asked; coffee. Don't you hate waking up, being the spoilt brat that you are, and not having your coffee ready? so you put on your wifebeater shirt and beat yourself since you're so god damn lazy that you can't make your own instant coffee in 2 seconds? We have the solution for you! WAIT EVEN LONGER AND HAVE SOME OVER-PRICED COFFEE IN THE MORNING BEFORE WASHING THE DRIED SAND/CUM OFF THE CORNERES OF YOUR MOUTH! Yes you heard me; MOAR OVER-PRICED COFFEE! People are gonna be so JEALOUS of your over-priced coffee, they're gonna buy a new car!"

What- ...? I don't even-

Massage chair

2010-06-22T00:54:00.003+03:00

Massage Chairs are awesome yes, specifically that one at Barakeh Mall, it makes you orgasm like a first time lesbian-prostitute in a 20-woman orgy IT'S LIKE OMG WHATS THAT DOING THERE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME! but it's on your back.

And at some point it suddenly grips on your legs and shoves something up your ass at which point you feel violated. But all in all it was a pretty nice experience.

At some point I laughed so hard I teared up, but it was pretty cool lol.

That is all.

Special thanks to "tota" whoever that is, for having no password set up for her wireless internet connection. But it's too slow, shame on you tota, shame on you.

I give up

2010-06-20T22:48:00.004+03:00

Right now I see my future as a taxi driver wallowing away in misery, buttsweat, my own piss, and skin cheese.

Well I dunno what I want anymore, again.

I just tried sketching and it didn't work out well, stabbed the paper and buried the body in the garbage can and broke the pencil.

The band isn't going anywhere so far. Dunno what the fuck is gonna happen.

You know what sucks? People who laugh at you when you're seriously talking about the subject and you just sense this heap of negative energy when they do so.

And I'm bored of architecture, I definitely don't wanna work in that field, I don't wanna be locked away in an office.

And my family seems to have hopes in me "ooh you're gonna be an architect, you're gonna design my house and be rich and get me a driver and a car".

But then where would the miserable inspiration come from when I have nothing to fiddle and curse at.

I still don't get it, when did this all happen? When did this country get to me...? Why is my spirit broken...?

5alaaaas gabba3at.

Oh well.

It'll wash off.

Ahh screw it

2010-06-18T00:14:00.001+03:00

...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Time Flies

2010-06-16T08:48:00.002+03:00

The title says it all...

So there I am listening to a song by the great composer Nobuo Uematsu, Fisherman's Horizon from Final Fantasy VIII, and it really struck me how that game has been out for like 10 or 11 - if not 12 - years already. I still remember the day when I got it, I didn't enjoy a lot of reading in my games back then, it was pretty confusing, now I'm dying for a game with the same amount of genial gameplay such as the old Final Fantasy games.

It's just really bringing tears to my eyes, while listening to that piece, thinking about how much has happened since then.

Last year of school I used to be overly careful and care too much about others. Then we all graduated and I went the complete opposite and hated everything. "Fell in love" and met a lot of people now that I think about it, random encounters here and there. Now it's like all balancing out. I'm slowly growing up older than everyone else I know. I have always seen myself as an old man at heart. I just can't wait to be one...

The old man with the long hair who lives alone in his house and plays guitar in the street just so he can enjoy his life before he dies... an inevitable end.

Life asks us for too much... Well, society asks for too much, but you gotta admit, it's all memories in the making. I just hope I'm not wasting my chances and passion growing up that quickly. Yeah... I doubt that I am. I believe that I am actually being man enough to live my life pretty well right now. I don't care about contradicting myself anymore, I don't care about what others think of me much, I never do something I don't wanna do, I don't lie to myself, and every action that I take is effective in one way or another; yet after all that, I am an old man at heart.

Because maybe I've seen a lot and I feel that it's enough for me, maybe I'm scared of "living", maybe there's that one thing left and I just didn't experience it, or maybe I already did.

Whatever, I just wish to relax already...

Who knows why, I just do.

Is it us who are too demotivated or is it the world doing something to us?

Something is off anyway, this can't be right, or my upbringing was just not good lol...

Well, I digress...

Time really goes-a-by so sloly (deliberate spelling mistake, kids), been a year since I last saw my big brother/friend, been since December since I saw that other friend, been since the beginning of this year since I haven't had Sushi, been 14 years since the PlayStation came out, been a long time since I saw some other friend, been a while since I've done a perfect design, but I blame the system for that lol. It's been a while since I've had a great time drinking (apart from that friend's birthday, that was epic).

Well we can't just be stuck in the past though, but I'm just saying; TIME F**KING FLIES MAN. I can't believe I'm 20 years old, that's so weird. There's so much shit to go through and I don't mind going through it alone coz then you don't give a crap, but it's more worth it, even more enjoyable, going through it with others as long as they actually like it, and I learnt that in Urban Planning this semester and the previous one.

I love random conversations with strangers, I swear man it can really make your day talking to a random pretty girl or smiling at someone and having them smile back, or asking the garbage man how he is and having some random conversation with him, or talking to a cab driver like he's human, or laughing with other people about your team winning (too bad nobody likes Portugal in Jordan... damn bastards), or saying thank you and smiling at someone and literally seeing how they feel good just for being acknowledged.

Here's for time and the free time we have for appreciating the ripping surprise buttsecks that we are given to by life.

Dear Jordan,

2010-06-09T15:24:00.002+03:00

Fuck yourself in the asshole with that gigantic flagpole

why?

Because the only things we can do that are ACTUALYL FUN are expensive! EXCUSE ME for not being rich enough to have fun!

FUCK YOU FOR INCREASING THE ALCOHOL PRICES!

Thanks to you, every hotel, bar, shithole, is now gonna increase the price of a beer by god knows how much, and now anytime I wanna drink to actually chill, I'm gonna have to consider it even more.

WHAT ELSE is there to do? WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING THIS?

So if the people have fun drinking, you make it expensive?

"DURR LURK THEY'RE BUYING ALCOHOL, LETS MAKE IT EXPENSIVE SO WE CAN MAKE MORE MONEY AND NOT CONSIDER THE FACT THAT WHEN WE MAKE IT EXPENSIVE, WE WONT MAKE ANY MONEY"

MAKE ALCOHOL CHEAPER FOR FUCK'S SAKE!

YOU SUCK ASS AS A COUNTRY!
YOU SUCK ASS AS PEOPLE LOOKING AFTER PEOPLE!

THE ONLY FUCKING THING MAKING THIS COUNTRY WORK IS THE FACT THAT THE PEOPLE ADAPT TO EVERY SINGLE FUCKING MISTAKE AND VICTORY THIS COUNTRY MAKES.

It's like you're living off the people, literally, and we're just fighting to make it along with your rules.

Shoo hal 5aryaneh hay.

What else are you gonna make more expensive? Mish tabee3i, I'm on a limited income and in order to have fun I have to reduce my spending money on everything, so that I can buy something.

It's either I have fun, OR I fuckmyself and do nothing in order to buy a luxury worth of ~500JDs, you can't have both. You either survive having fun, but go nowhere. OR you survive lifeless, with everything you need.
YES JORDAN THATS EXACTLY WHAT YOU FUCKING DO!

Everything we like is expensive, til7aso airi.

Shketchej (that's sketches in the old language)

2010-05-29T23:30:00.005+03:00

Just some old sketches I found while procrastinating during my design development work and stuff. Thought I might as well share.

Also, yes I drew these myself quite a while ago.

"Hybrid"

"The Prophecy"

"Vengeance"

Kurt Cobain sketch

"Paranoia"

Random tattoo'd-demon-humanoid sketch

Bob Marley sketch

hm

2010-05-15T02:50:00.003+03:00

Life is depressing.

That is the truth.

And we're all just looking for a reason to be alive. We're desperate for reasons, because we never wish to accept our pointlessness. And though I love life for all its pointless fun nature, I am hating people that wish to ruin it.

We just love to create order and to work in the system to feel like we matter. You don't have to fucking depress other people just to give yourself a meaning. A crushed man is a friendly humble man, a powerful man is bored and needs meaning.

That's what it seems like...

Also, you. Yes you, you're a selfish cunt, no matter how much you say otherwise, you're fucking fake and full of shit, you're nothing but a selfish bitch. I'm losing all pity for you.

I'm losing all pity for everyone, I don't see humanity in people much anymore.

I am living for my family's survival, I love my family though they need to work together a bit. I am living because I love my friends, Abidal, Alyana, Dumdum, and whatever whoever else. I am waiting to be a legend. I hope I can be.

I wish to create my music to change the way people are...

How fake they can be...

I hate the systems people have....

When someone says you're an asshole and yells, it's rude, but if you say it normally in a quiet tone, they take it as a joke, isn't it ironic? I know it makes sense, but it's a tad ironic.

But almost everything people do makes no sense at all. Desperation is pathetic sometimes, I admit, I can seem desperate since I have a crush on someone and won't do anything, but it's just hilarious when people dress up for impressing people. I like to look good for myself, and a lot of people are like that, but I hate when people fake things.

Hell that faking thing just might be in my head and my head alone. But everything is a matter of perspective. Yeah it is.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Thoughts

2010-05-02T17:33:00.002+03:00

Why am I suddenly doubting myself...?

I believe that my thoughts were correct.

Going out of the ordinary into the extraordinary to make people think, creating something at utter pointlessness in order for people to start thinking about it until they lose their sense. It is exactly like life.

What is life but a pointless state that we strive to explain?

The only point she had is that it has to be something quite powerful in order to make people think.

Something ordinary might make the extraordinary ponder, but the ordinary require extraordinary impact to ponder.

No I do not have an ego problem but get in my head, and it makes sense, while I am still among the rubble of the earth with the rest.

.... place something pointless at the approach and allow people to stumble upon it and it will make them think. It is sad that people must be struck by something in order to think about it. Just as we are all struck by the reason of life at some point, and it caused us to think about many things.

A brutal violation of the existing polycarbonate by concrete in order to create a shock...

Seeing that concrete is individual thought, one can ponder the reason of such violation? just as our individual thoughts violated the simple meaninglessness of life only for the reason of giving our lives meaning (philosophically speaking).

Through light?... through imposition...?

hmm...

The Arch of Pulse vs The Free Souls' Beacon
Η αψίδα του παλμού vs Ο φάρος Δωρεάν Νεκρών

I doubt google translator did a good job but meh

Oh well on to the sketch design, hopefully it goes well.

I believe I am ready to get this blog back out there, we'll see

2010-04-26T19:21:00.002+03:00

I hate liking someone it really sucks ass, especially having a crush on someone, seriously.

You just get butterflies in your stomach and feel like staring at their beautiful face >.<

Creepy, I know. But all emotions are sick when put out of context, and when not felt along with other people who feel the same.

Makes sense?

She's really cute, you have no idea how many times I thought of just going up to her and asking her out. But I don't drive, and that kinda kills my confidence, probably because of what my sister said. My sister is a bit of a bitch sometimes, because her words are just sharp and deadly especially if you're not prepared for her next inconsiderate/harsh word, and you never will be.

But I don't care, I don't want the license, I'm a spaz when it comes to driving, I suck at it and I don't really enjoy it much, fuck that. Problem is that Jordan's public trasnportation sucks.

Anyway for some reason I think people love people with cars. It's like a sense of security for them or whatever. So probably I'll be alone until I get a car, even though I hate cars, and don't crave them, and would hate to be driving in traffic, though you have to do that in order to survive. Must we really lock ourselves away in our own little boxes the whole time?

The fact that people only use their private cars is something that increases the barrier between people (SOCIAL EXCLUSION, MAN!) in Jordan. And I make a point when I don't drive. I believe that I change a person every single time I tell a taxi driver that "people don't go to a university to fuck or get fucked."

You would scream racist slurs at someone and they wouldn't defend themselves, and you wouldn't be heard, so you wouldn't feel good, and they'd just not care and think they're okay. I mean seriously, how can you change something if you don't stand up for it?

It's like that in Jordan; there's a war in the street; yeah, I mean it's literally in the street. Every person is in their car, like it's their own prison cell, and they don't deal with anyone else, the impact of that is clear; everyone slows down, everyone is seperated from everyone else.

I think if the public (if you can even call people in Jordan public) sticks together, we can get a much better country. But in our current situation, if the upper class sticks together, they can't change anything, and if the lower class sticks together it can't do anything. So basically we're seperated and fucked and we're a dumb bunch of people. Truth is there is no definition of "class" in Jordan.

In extremes, there are 4 classes in Jordan. There are basically the people with little money, and the people with a whole lot of money, then there are the people with little money who are educated so they seem like they have money, and the people with a lot of money who are uneducated and shallow.

I'm starting to think that fixing public transportation, along with the obvious (education), is the first way to start fixing our country. Think about it, it's cheaper, it's more environmentally friendly, it's easier to organize yourself with it, it provides more jobs, it improves productivity, it allows people to move around without being demotivated, it increases acceptance when people interact together, it allows interaction.

Well why the wait? Why isn't anyone making that step? Yes, we have busses, but the people are not really connected yet, why would anyone use a bus if they feel like they're going to be violated in there?

This is when the government comes into play. We always whine, but we don't do much about it, they can force us. Yet we can pressure them for what we want, only if we're aware of something and are actually willing to do something. Let's help eachother out, no?

2010-04-26T19:20:00.002+03:00

"And I've had recurring nightmares, that I was loved for who I am;
Missed the opportunity to be a better man..."

-Muse, "Hoodoo"

reality....

2010-04-21T22:41:00.002+03:00

And they say the world is full of balance

What balance is there?

If I'm a sick fucked up crazy insane person, what's the fucking balance of it.

I jsut threw a fit. Started with the guitar, the guitar isn't feeling friendly lately, it's not fitting with my hands well...
maybe it's jsut that I'm agry lately...

maybe I'm just a fucked up person...

maybe I'm a schizophrenic...

maybe I'm bipolar...

maybe I have serious issues that I don't even know about, just like Freud says...

maybe I'm just a fucked up person...

But no matter what...

I will never see what balance there is in humanity...

Yeah I lost my fucking father, oh how wonderful, the balance is me bewing more feminine; what a fucking cocksucking smartassed balance that is.
I'm a fucking indisciplined idiot, oh how fucking awesome is that, it doesn't balance for shit...
I'm a fucking loser...
I'm a faker...

All my laughter is a reaction to a person talking to me, I don't even have to understand what they say...

I almost fucking destroyed my guitar again... I just punched it a few times...
well excuse me but I didn't mean to but it's just not going well... the guitar is just not going along with me, or maybe I'm not going along with it, EVEN FUCKING TOHUGH I'm doing what I always do, and I'm holding it like I always hold it, and go figure.... I throw a fit, bang my head into a few doors, punch a few things, break a few things, then feel fucking guilty as fuck for punching the wall and worrying about my hands and my head and my guitar playing skills.

Then I kick the closet door and feel bad for breaking that magnet thing at the bottom of it or whatever

Then I feel like an unappreciative bastard...

Look at me..................

Back to my old self again...................

Just being the good old me again.........

Useless, pessimist, good-for-nothing, hopeless, dumbass, idiot bastard who does nothing well....

Not even play the guitar... which is his fucking passion

Not even play the drums... which is another passion

Not even draw... which is a thing he did for his entire life

Not even work ... which is something that he has to do

all he can do is feel sorry for himself and feel like shit and be a dickhead who whines and fucks himself and has no social life and no friends but for people he fakes himself in front of.....

When in reality all he wants to do is just be quiet and do nothing, because thats exactly what he sees himself.... nothing.... just pure fucking nothingness with nothing to do and nothing that cares and no meaning in his life and not a single importance

After all the blame, there is nobody else left to blame but himself...

How can I help myself....

How can I help myself....

FOR GOD'S FUCKING COCK'S SAKE JUST SOMEBODY HEAR ME AND HELP ME OUT FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!!!

HEAR ME!!!! GIVE ME SOME FUCKING ATTENTION AND TELL ME THAT I'M WORTH LOVING AND THAT I'M NOT A DISSAPOINTMENT IF I DO WHAT THE HELL I WANT TO DO!!!! FOR FUCK'S SAKE LET ME BE ME!! WHOEVER THE FUCK THAT IS!!!!

Just tell me that until I fucking believe it...

WHO AM I!!!!!

Deadheaded taxi

2010-04-18T15:38:00.002+03:00

Fucking fuckhead, yes it's a dying cat that got hit by a car, instead of stopping to watch it die in your rear view mirror and laughing, shut the fuck up and don't make jokes, you sick sick fucking bastard. I'd rather see people like you getting their limbs torn off and getting eaten alive by ravens and rats rather than a cat. I hope you fucking have an accident with your fucked up driving.

It's people like you who make others suffer; people who don't care; people without apathy; people who make others actually suffer; I hope you die like the fucking bug that you are.

It's people who drive like you do who kill innocent souls.

Fucking dickhead. And you had been talking about prayer.
You sick cockheaded fucker.

Also, I think it's the cat that used to stay at Abidal's house sometimes and we used to play with it a long time ago. It had been living in his neighborhood, and we always recognized it. A beautiful black cat.

RIP

All nighter I

2010-04-18T01:07:00.003+03:00

Holy shit, I have 366 blog posts xD

Anyway, I'm up working on design, fee tasleem tomorrow, blog.

Funny thing is that when I saw 366 I remembered my module (3) lol, fits perfectly.

Can't listen to music out loud anymore, my mom and sister went to sleep.

Btw, very much loving Muse right now. Their song Resistance is fucking epic. Well all of their songs are epic.

*long sigh* :)

I feel as if I'm in a state of nirvana.

I feel strong, yet worried, yet able to not care, yet very caring.

So much on my mind, so much I can't say, so much I wish I could, so much I wish I could just speak.
So much wonders wishing to be answered, but can't occupy myself, must keep pushing forward.

Also, we found a drummer (finally).

Wrote a few songs, we'll see what happens.

Might have a faggy name for the band, but I hope we don't lol.

Well my break is over, Godspeed, Cap'n.

I'll probably post again later, blog. If not, then there'll only be a "Part I".

Marning!

2010-04-16T10:31:00.004+03:00

Ahh sweet Death Metal morning.

Dude, seriously, the most fucked up yet VERY VERY AWESOME (for some reason o.0) dreams today!!!

First one: I was with this girl from german class I like and stuff, and yeah a little physical, then before you fucking know it I started seeing some bad gang of people (from what I figured during the dream) and they were apparently very hateful of kids >.>

Anyway, kids getting smashed into walls, blood everywhere, kids getting severed, stuff like that, then all of a sudden their badass dude was like doing his evil laugh part, and then I started seeing other figures kinda like screaming and being scared shitless. They didn't look very friendly. Anyway, yeah very bloody shit.

Second dream had some people I know from uni and back from school, apparently i had to go through some puzzles and mazes in order to survive, while other people I knew were like chilling and it was okay, though sometimes they didn't. It was really random.
One "maze/puzzle" involved nothing visible, but when you press a button on the ground, you realize that you have gasoline all over you, and every now and then, a very prince-of-persia-ish trap would show up; spikes coming out of the ground, and the holes were barely noticeable.

Anyway, some guy tried to mess with a trap or something and then he pulled out his own chainsaw and tried to chop his leg off (noooo idea why, what a dumbass!) then the chainsaw got stuck in his thigh, then he cut off a piece of his thigh so that he can get the chainsaw back and continued chopping his leg off, then I woke up.

Phew, scareh! lol anyway I wrote it down so that I don't forget it

FUCKING HELL YEAHHH!!!

2010-04-13T21:59:00.003+03:00

I was on the fucking radio! Oh shit forgot to say that the band is back, and WE WERE ON THE RADIO this week! :D

HAAAH I JUST HEARD THE RERUN I WAS ON THE RADIO!! ON THE "ROCK OUT WITH MAHA" SHOW!

yeah shoulda posted this sooner so moar people can hear it lol

BUT YEAH!!!

State of life

2010-04-11T00:06:00.002+03:00

Oh, me.....

If I had to lose a mile
If I had to touch feelings
I would lose my soul
The way I do

I don't have to think
I only have to do it
The results are always perfect
But that's old news.

Would you like to hear my voice
Sprinkled with emotion
Invented at your birth?

I can't see the end of me
My whole expanse I cannot see
I formulate infinity
and store it deep inside of me

If I had to lose a mile
If I had to touch feelings
I would lose my soul
The way I do

I don't have to think
I only have to do it
The results are always perfect
And that's old news

Would you like to hear my voice
Sprinkled with emotion
Invented at your birth?

I can't see the end of me
My whole expanse I cannot see

I formulate infinity
and store it deep inside of me

I formulate infinity
and store it deep inside of me...

2010-04-10T13:47:00.001+03:00

WAKA waka WAKAWAKA waka waka WAKAWAKA waka waka WAKAWAKA

BREWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

CHAN CHAKACHAKACHAKACHAKA CHAN CHAN CHAN CHAKACHAKA

WOAAAAHHH!!!!

Sanity

2010-04-10T00:02:00.001+03:00

I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself
I will never speak myself

Something?

2010-04-09T00:47:00.003+03:00

Don't ever (and I mean EVER) hold anything (and I mean ANYTHING) in.

Fuck you, first of all, I don't care about your damn problems. Just coz you have a fucking problem you fucking bastard, it doesn't mean you have to end up acting like a fucking fucked up fucked in the head cab driver.

Fuck you, second of all, and fuck your butter paper you horny little slut I hope you choke on a fucking tree branch while you're giving it a blowjob, and I hope you die with a tree trunk up your ass you shithead. IT'S THE FUCKING WORK THAT FUCKING MATTERS NOT WHAT YOU PRESENT IT ON but I bet you're one of those uptight cuntheaded shitfaces who just do what they're told and I hope I die in a pool of ass juice before I become like anyone like you, yes I fucking wish that happens rather than me becoming anything like you.

Fuck you, third of all, fuck you and all of you you fat dumbass uptight neurotic bitch, next time we work you will not give orders and leave to be with your boyfriend so you can get fingerfucked or shitfaced under that fucking poor excuse of morals that you call a god. I hope you die.

Fuck you, fourth of all, you don't have to be a fucking slut in order to make it in life, you make me wanna throw up. And you have disgusting habits and you're not fucking lebanese you're from fucking saudi ta3rees arabia, so quit the accent and sluttiness and go fuck the damn teacher if you're that horny. and shut the FUCK up.

Fuck you, fifth of all, I don't care aobut your fucking relationships, let me be. You know my situation, you know that I don't care, you know that I'm busy.

Fuck you, sixth of all, I don't care if you get pissed, I'm busy. So go hump a leg.

Fuck you, min il aa5er :)

Lol

2010-04-06T23:56:00.005+03:00

Final word.

A clear final word.

Well at least it's an actual word.

Go figure.

The jury has spoken.

Don't care. Honestly don't. I have my relief. Finally, and an honest answer.

And no you haven't said any of that before.
Good night, mess.
A thousand times goodbye.

Oh and there goes the band.

But that's life, eh?

One second you're up, the next you're up at 12am trying to work but can't focus, sick, still wearing the clothes you were wearing for uni which stink of diesel smoke, dropped a subject, and raped by the divine dildo of the gods.

Oh and sucking something up is NEVER a good idea.

Just... FUCK.

People are fucking hypocrites, and the system of the world is flawed, and I will destroy it.

Dear Earphones

2010-04-03T10:34:00.002+03:00

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DON'T GET RUINED!! PLEASEE!!

PLEASE!!!

Me gustas tu

2010-03-30T23:49:00.000+03:00

I just love this song!

It's pretty old, it helped me out through last night while I was working up all night on the damn model (which paid off btw)

Anyway I should sleep, though I really don't wanna sleep, I really feel like listening to the song some more :\

Oh well cya

Welcome back Saed! oh hai!

2010-03-29T11:37:00.003+03:00

It's been a while since I blogged honestly. Like HONESTLY. Certain events I think kinda hindered the hoensty of the blog (but I honestly am in a band now :) and hopefully it goes well, we'll see).

But hey you can't change who you are, so I can't stop bitching on this blog :D

lol anyway. Past week = shurprije buttsheksh

Yesterday I had only a site plan. After a little panic attack, I ended up not doing anything the night before because I had a lot of shit to do.

Oh shit brb...

Okay back!

Anyway, I had a site plan, and seeing as they always take a lot of time I thought "oh fack that poop I'll just not present", then some people went like "oh go on dude 3alle2 the plan and talk about it and stuff" and I said "hmm okay you're right."

BUT I WAS WRONG! < sound effects: fading "noooooooooo" >

And anyhoo, tsharsha7et coz I didn't have much for them to talk about. So I talked and was interrupted and I disappointed them and I said fair enough. And I'm supposed to give in a model, elevations, section, plans (AND I HAVE LIKE A FUCKILLION LEVELS SO THATS GONNA BE A WHORE EH?), oh and that site plan I made ^ ^ lol

Aaaanyway...

AND I have a test today, which I stayed home and ditched my first two lectures to study for.

AAANNNDDDD Dana is back from England and she caught me on a good time so I said "Walek suuuuuuuuuuuuuree call me this weekend and we'll hang out for sure!" and she called, and I ignored it and didn't call back. Fuck I really need to be better to her or something lol.

AANND Laura called on that same day and I didn't call back, meh oh well... sorry Laura. Hmm I doubt Laura reads or knows about my blog but oh well.

Anyway the weekend was cool when it comes to chilling with Abidal and stuff like just bonding with a brother lol. BUT I WASTED TIME AND I SHOULD HAVE WORKED, DUDE!

And the days before the brotherly day (Thursday, Friday) were utter crap. I did nothing, watched "Up" and "The Hangover" not bad movies, they're entertaining. I liked the dog in "Up" though lol, he's awesome. But other than that I wasted the weekend NOT WORKING, being shit-fucked and down and spanking the monkey.

Don't ask why, I procrastinated like a shameless whore blowing a balloon. Though I had been inspired for a while before that! Like REALLY inspired! The momentum must be rebuilt (and it most probably will be rebuilt when I don't sleep today and work my ass off on a model and plans and stuff.

So now I'm listening to Led Zeppelin (BEST FUCKING BAND IN THE ENTIRE WORLD, HANDS FUCKING DOWN!!!!) I miss Led Zeppelin! Haven't listened to them in a long time :\ GOD I miss my music!

I sure hope that this building momentum doesnt get clusterfucked (lol clusterfuck, just like my design; its form is a bunch of clusters lol seewutididthar?), anyway ENERGY TODAY!!!! LET'S SHARE ENERGY!!!

SCIENCE ENERGY ROOOAAAHHHHRRRR!!! ENERGYYYyy...!!! D:

Anyway haars, back to the old passive aggressive keeping life alive and alove (I made that word up "alove" it's quite epic don't you think? All rights reserved and copyrighted or whatever and so on and so forth IT'S MY WORD!!) and just living life and stuff, but I will try to keep disciplined, WHILE rebelling against the system and stuffers!

Hopefully nothing brings me down today. I had enough sleep so I will be able to stay up all night working and stuff.

Welcome back, it's a new era, and it's time to kick some ass!

/end self-pep-talk

:D

2010-03-21T21:25:00.001+02:00

I'm in a band :)

That is all.

Saturday Night

2010-03-17T23:12:00.002+02:00

Great song by the Misfits, one of the greatest bands of all time.

They're usually classified as "Horror Punk", and interesting thing is that Cradle of Filth was inspired by them (go figure eh?)

Anyway...

Saturday Night, by The Misfits

Lyrics:

There's fifty two ways
To murder anyone
One and two are the same
And they both work as well

I'm coming clean for Amy
Julie doesn't scream as well
And the cops won't listen all night

And so maybe
I'll be over
Just as soon as I
Fill them all in

And I can remember
When I saw her last
We were running around
And having a blast (having a blast)

But the backseat
Of the drive-in
Is so lonely without you

I know when you're home
I was thinking about you
There was something I forgot to say
I was crying on Saturday night

I was out cruising without you
They were playing our song
Crying on Saturday night

As the moon becomes the night time
You go viciously
Quietly away

I'm sitting in the bedroom
Where we used to sit
And smoke cigarettes
Now I'm watching, watching you die

I can remember
When I saw her last
We were running around
And having a blast

But the backseat (backseat)
Of the drive-in (drive-in)
Is so lonely without you

I know when you're home
I was thinking about you
There was something I forgot to say
I was crying on Saturday night

I was out cruising without you
They were playing our song
Crying on Saturday night

Yeah
Crying on Saturday night
Crying on Saturday night

Diamonds and Rust

2010-03-12T16:31:00.002+02:00

An awesome, awesome cover by Judas Priest.

Oh and this is THE BEST VERSION of the song, ever to be found. So if you heard their original cover virsion from their album, this is much more powerful.

Also this is originally by Joan Baez.

Anyway, enjoy.

Lyrics:

I'll be damned, here comes your ghost again
But that's not unusual
It's just that the moon is full
And you decided to call

And here I sit, hand on the telephone
Hearing the voice I'd known
A couple of light years ago
Heading straight for a fall

Well we both know what memories can bring
They bring diamonds and rust
Yes we both know what memories can bring
They bring diamonds and rust

Now I see you standing all around with snow in your hair
Now we're looking out the window of a crummy hotel over Washington Square
Our breath comes in white clouds, mingles and hangs in the air
Speaking strictly for me, we both could've died then and there

Now you're telling me, you`re not nostalgic
Then give me another word for it
You were so good with words
And at keeping things vague

Cause I need some of that vagueness now
It's all come back too clearly, Yes I love you dearly
And if you're offering me diamonds and rust, I've already paid

Well we both know what memories can bring
They bring diamonds and rust
Yes we both know what memories can bring
They bring diamonds and rust

Diamonds, Diamonds and rust
Diamonds, Diamonds and rust
Diamonds, Diamonds and rust
Diamonds, Diamonds and rust

People

2010-03-08T23:32:00.005+02:00

Abidal
Imad
Baraa
Maul
Farah
Diana
Leen
Laura
Saja
Hanan
Alyana
Reema
Dima
Khalil
Raafat
Randa
Dana
Mustafa
Yasmine
Shadi
Shiina
Amanda (Mousy)
Ahmad
Dude-whose-name-I-don't-know-but-said-that-I-inspired-him-to-be-a-GJU-architecture-student (yeah, he actually said that :)...)

Thank you for reminding me of the great person that I can be.

There are some people that help you remember the awesome person that you are. I still love YOU, but I guess you just... meh... well you're a new person.
I honestly don't care what you do, as long as you're happy.

But some people really need to learn to respect people.

It started out with group-work, but you really help me out and let me forget about all the stuff I have on my mind. Dima, Alyana, Hanan, Khalil, Saja, Professor Maram Al-Tawil.

Kinda like my family.

I hope I can go to Germany the next semester :)
I really do, and I will do my best to do that.

Sorry sweetheart, I'm not broken yet, but my heart is, but it's being fixed.

Lifeless in the dark
Music alive in the park
emotions survive

Being dead, no more
Gold is expensive, no more
All is dusty ore

Break me you will not
I forgive and I forgot
My hate for you, rots

Still, I can't believe
The strong feeling of relief
I finally weave

And now as I fade
I know, in you, I'll remain
You are still; no pain

Snow Flakes

2010-03-08T00:02:00.003+02:00

I love the idea of this (clicky)...

Yeah..

It feels as if you're really sharing an experience with a bunch of people, you just don't feel alone. Just tossing your heart into the air, and someone somewhere sees it. Maybe you spark a thought or a smile or something. But it's nice...

I dunno but it really soothed me...

And it really makes you think...

Life is really wonderful if you have people to experience it with. Sure you lose those people at some point sometimes, but we always have friends right?

... Yeah, but there's always that level only certain people can touch, but what can you do but live life and love it and get hurt by it. It only makes you appreciate it more, and vice versa.

Trololo

2010-03-06T23:11:00.001+02:00

'Nuff said

Hollow

2010-03-05T00:47:00.003+02:00

Some doodles

2010-02-26T23:19:00.001+02:00

BEHOLD...!!!

Leviathan!!!

BEHOLD!!!

... some doodled thingy

Women :)

2010-02-23T00:57:00.004+02:00

Women are godesses...

It's just that nobody understands.

I just heard a story. Sorry readers: no details, nothing...

I dunno if I'm talking to myself...
I don't even know what I want to say...

I just want to say that I love you, and that I'm sorry.
Yet at this point I don't know anything anymore...
And I don't know anymore...

I'm sucking up every problem I had growing up, and I will suck up anything...

Maybe it's too late now and you won't understand...
But it's not like anything changed...
Maybe there's a problem in me... well there probably is...

I blame me, too.
I'm sorry I let you slip through, I'm sorry I did nothing.

Truth is, I don't know what to do.

I guess many things broke me, and it just... yeah...

I guess I let it get to you.

I love you.

Have a wonderful, peaceful life; with someone who would bottle himself up more than me, someone who would be more supportive than me...
I guess I thought I'm supportive, but maybe, maybe... I have my own problems...

It's not you, it's me.
Please forgive me...

... Sweetheart.
The end.

It's been a while...

2010-02-21T22:19:00.003+02:00

Well hello, blog.

So in the past few days I have gone back to not giving a crap about anyone but my family and friends.

I have discovered the materialistic truth about life. I honestly don't know why the hell this hit me all of a sudden, I guess I actually had hope in human beings, hell I still do, but not personally.

I still believe Jordan can be fixed, I still believe that a degree of love exists between humans, but nothing on a 1-1 level, if you know what I mean.

Am I ranting already...? Meh I guess I really don't give a flying fuck anymore...

My dreams have returned, my gritting teeth pain, my hollow heart... Then again I gotta say I'm really too young to die... Mainstream-wise... Ironic eh? The thing I despise is giving me an unclear light of hope to tell me I'm still alive.

In a way or another, everyone is nothing but involved in himself... People call me introverted sometimes and judge because I don't show my feelings, then again, it's actually them not showing anything; it is actually them who are not giving, but rather giving to themselves.

It's amazing, it really seems like we are nothing but animals wishing to keep our genes living.

Love doesn't exist, it's something to make people get married and wanna fuck, to carry the seed forward.

I have not seen a single person who is happily married.

Love is dead. Especially in our time... Love doesn't exist...

Everyone is self-involved.
Everyone is only fighting to live.

People are not developing, we're becoming nothing but emotionless animals.

No...
Animals have feelings...
Then again, they have simple needs, not money.

We all want money.

Money, money, money.

All the problems of the entire world are based entirely on money.

Stress is caused by money, one way or another.
Death is caused by money.
People die for money.
People lose themselves for money.

All those previous dreams of a simple life for myself are coming back...

I don't want money, I would love to just travel the world with nothing but a few things for myself, something to live by, and nothing else.

Just travel.

Our world is way too materialistic today.

We got brainwashed into believing in things (as kids) which don't even exist anymore.

People don't dare anything anymore... And yeah I'm not being a hypocrite, I also don't dare anything.

Why is it that way?

For fuck's sake... seriously everything in our world is so screwed...

You get raised as something and then you just... have to change along with the world...

Funny I read a little interview with a bunch of kids. And I guess they're doing a good job raising the new generation so far; they are more materialistic; materialistic enough to make it in the world I guess.

Man...

What is this world coming to.

We all just wanna be happy and live like everything is okay, yet we were denied happiness by reality, since it is now a scientific thing rather than an emotion.

Everything is waves, atoms and stuff orbitting around other stuff.

Yeah yeah it's science.

Don't get me wrong, now.

I hate science, but I also hate god.

I'm not a godhead, not an atheist...

I like to believe that I am a spiritual person in touch with the giving Earth Mother...
Yet even that is naive.

Life is very weird.

Meh I guess all I can do is be myself. See what happens.

The last thing I believe in lately is love. It's a load of shit.

A piece of honest Art is worth more.

Everyone cheats on everyone (even in Jordan). And it's all okay now... It's normal.

We're all dead before the life is lost.
Just animals producing their offsprings, not caring for them, and they all end up a bunch of fuck-ups that other people end up having to try and repair.

Now fuck off.

Nothing

2010-02-18T23:58:00.002+02:00

There is no truth,
there is no match,
there is no blame,
there is no god,
there is no heart,
there is no other,
there is no head,
there is no message,
there is no demand,
there is no excuse;
everything is what you want it to be.

No truth? Then you'll never know.

I wonder if you fucking listen nor care.
Still trying to fucking block me out...

Have it your way

TRUE Punk Rock

2010-02-13T18:38:00.005+02:00

This is what got me into rock and metal alongside the early System of a Down music I listened to with my cousin as a kid.

Got to discovering (and finding them again now) them through Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2.

PUNK FUCKING ROCK!!!!!

Each song has a deeper meaning than the other. Fucking beautiful music, back when punk rock didn't have crappy bands claiming that they are "punk"; long before punk was nothing but a soulless fashion.

I think we need a new revolution; a new renaissance; a new way of thinking (especially in Jordan). People are stressed and are getting raped every single day, people don't get enough money, and money is the means of survival in our time; how could the people NOT resort to last resorts such as thievery and such? I mean it's only normal when they have no means to live, and thus retreat to the bestial instinct of fighting for survival.

Politicians take and take and give nothing back, and I believe it is time for the people to take back what is theirs. We get shut up by governments and people who are already comfrotable in their rich thrones, and we get brainwashed by the disfigured face of "God" in order to stay in order; in order to stay in the system and keep that pyramid upright; in order to keep playing the structures and not getting to fluorish.

I believe that our individuality can be celebrated wonderfully and flambuoyantly, and still, we would be able to maintain a good system as long as we don't get greedy by falling to others' stories. I believe we can give and take.

Jordan needs a revival, and the people need a slap in the face in order to wake up and see what's going on. People take stands when they see something they don't like, and we take stands for others' problems before we take a stand for our own problems. We stand divided and fall as one. We have problems sticking together and trusting our comrades in a protest. We all think of nothing but ourselves without considering our fellow countrymen.

Some people don't deserve us giving them since they fell victim to the politics, the bestial instinct that now helps them survive is their only means to stay alive (especially since a human has many needs unlike other mammals and animals); therefore, they steal from the people themselves rather than considering that the people themselves are struggling. We really need to reunite, stick together, and ask for what we want.

Maybe that's the NGO that we need, not something that promotes monetary income to the poor and "under-developed" locations, but we rather need an NGO that would pull us all together and make us stand tall as one. It is THEN when Jordan will change, and it is ONLY then when we will be able to respect eachother for what each of us is. And maybe then we will be able to ask the government for things, and then maybe we would understand the needs of others rather than the rich understanding their wants and the desperate understanding only their needs (since they were forced into it).

Here's some punk rock to inspire you. Yes, YOU.

May 16 by Lagwagon

Lyrics:

No more waiting on them
as you rise inside new rooms
It's offical you've gone
you can live for no one else
Man the guilt must be huge
As there's no gain in failure you succeed at being mine
Yeah, old friend, see you there I will be proud from afar
I can paint a picture in a moment of memories and there aren't many left
I am extradited, uninvited

It's just another saturday

Take a step to freedom
You and her lothing this cruel world
Take a breath of shelter and exhale
Trust and allegiance
Liberate yourself from hell

It's just another saturday

You by Bad Religion

Lyrics:

There's a place where everyone can be happy.
It's the most beautiful place in the whole fucking world.
It's made of candy canes and planes and bright red choo-choo trains,
And the meanest little boys and the most innocent little girls,
And you know I wish that I could got there.
It's a road that I have not found.
And I wish you the best of luck, dear.
Drop a card or letter to my side of town.
Because there's no time for fussing and fighting my friend,
But baby I'm amazed at the hate that you can send and

You... painted my entire world.
But I... don't have the turpentine to clean what you have soiled.
And I won't forget it.

There's a place where everyone can be right,
Even though you remain determined to be opposed.
Admittance requires no qualifications:
It's where everyone has been and where everybody goes.
So please try not to be impatient,
For we all hate standing in line.
And when the farm is good and bought, you'll be there without a thought,
And eternity, my friend, is a long fucking time.
Because there's no time for fussing and fighting my friend,
But baby I'm amazed at the hate that you can send and

You... painted my entire world.
But I... don't have the turpentine to clean what you have soiled.
And I won't forget it.

Five Lessons Learned by Swingin' Utters

Lyrics:

Five lovely lessons learned today
Coating my throat with the dust of a new day
As the saints pray their lonely way
And their deadweight lays the passion to waste

Maybe if I sew my heart on my sleeve
They'll drop the bomb on me and I'll wake up
I can only fix so much in my sleep
I can only drink so much from this empty cup

I know I must not think bad thoughts
I'm always beaten to the punch
I'm holding aces high and low
And in between I'm trying to break my fall

Give me a piece of what you've got
I'll make it new with much less thought
it's symbolic and full of trash
Lofty endearments whispered under your breath

Five lessons remembered from yesterday
Easing my mind and seizing each new day
Beyond and back I'm still the same
Kicked over some old trash but I still waste

No Cigar by Millencolin

Lyrics:

Tell us where you're from,
what you want to become.
And we'll say if you're OK.
Where did you go to school?
Right answer and you're cool.
Yeah, you're the kid the whole day.

You get a sticker in your face.
Information about the case,
so you know your potential.
Don't you think you can extend.
Don't you think you can extend, just comprehend.
But I don't wanna hear it,
no, it's more than I accept.

I don't care where I belong no more.
What we share or not I will ignore.

We will shut you out.
We'll put you in doubt.
If you think that you're special.
We'll tell you who you are.
Tell you that you're close but no cigar.
But I don't wanna hear it,
no, it's more than I accept.

'Cause I don't care where I belong no more.
What we share or not I will ignore.
And I won't waste my time fitting in.
'Cause I don't think contrast is a sin.

What they say is...
Go back, where you came from.
They'll tell you that, but I don't wanna hear.
No I don't wanna hear. No I don't wanna hear it.
No, it's more than I accept.

'Cause I don't care where I belong no more.
What we share or not I will ignore.
And I won't waste my time fitting in.
'Cause I don't think contrast is a sin.
No it's not a sin

Guerilla Radio by Rage Against The Machine

Lyrics:

Transmission third world war third round
A decade of the weapon of sound above ground
No shelter if you're lookin' for shade
I lick shots at the brutal charade
As the polls close like a casket
On truth devoured
A Silent play in the shadow of power
A spectacle monopolized
The camera's eyes on choice disguised
Was it cast for the mass who burn and toil?
Or for the vultures who thirst for blood and oil?
Yes a spectacle monopolized
They hold the reins and stole your eyes
Or the fistagons
The bullets and bombs
Who stuff the banks
Who staff the party ranks
More for Gore or the son of a drug lord
None of the above fuck it cut the cord

Lights out
Guerrilla Radio
Turn that shit up

Lights out
Guerrilla Radio
Turn that shit up

Lights out
Guerrilla Radio
Turn that shit up

Lights out
Guerrilla Radio

Contact I highjacked the frequencies
Blockin' the beltway
Move on D.C.
Way past the days of Bombin' M.C.'s
Sound off Mumia guan be free
Who gottem yo check the federal file
All you pen devils know the trial was vile
An army of pigs try to silence my style
Off 'em all out that box
It's my radio dial

Lights out
Guerrilla Radio
Turn that shit up

Lights out
Guerrilla Radio
Turn that shit up

Lights out
Guerrilla Radio
Turn that shit up

Lights out
Guerrilla Radio
Turn that shit up

It has to start somewhere It has to start sometime
What better place than here, what better time than now?

All hell can't stop us now
All hell can't stop us now
All hell can't stop us now
All hell can't stop us now
All hell can't stop us now
All hell can't stop us now

:) you...

Sex Superheroes!

2010-02-13T10:11:00.003+02:00

Original article.

Lol well isn't that just original.

So I'm guessing the villain would be... oh wait... there's the villain; some dude with penises as hands xD

Each character will have to fight the game’s penis-armed super villain, the Sperminator by correctly answering a number of questions.

If they get an answer wrong, they’ll get shot by sperm.

If a question is answered correctly, the character will be able to block the sperm with a condom

"If they get an answer wrong, they'll get shot by sperm."

xDD I bet some people would like that.

Anyway it's funny, I thought I'd share.

Dear Bill Gates,

2010-02-11T14:13:00.001+02:00

Kos o5tak 3a o5t windows update ya ibn il sharmoota.

Yours sincerely,

Saed Tillawi

5-crossed eyes

2010-02-10T22:39:00.003+02:00

Stronger, back on my feet, well-equipped with cynical critical thinking, and empowered. I have my backup, I have my support, I have my heart, and my spirit.

No more me, just more humanity and underlying messages that mock enemies of the blog indirectly from here forward. But I know I'm not dead when I tear up at the sound of a good solo and Fairuz's angelic vocals. I will get into the system and destroy it from within.

Don't Follow

2010-02-10T00:21:00.004+02:00

Amazing song...

Lyrics:

Hey, I ain't never coming home
Hey, I'll just wander my own road
Hey, I can't meet you here tomorrow, no
Say goodbye, don't follow; misery so hollow

Hey you, you're livin' life full throttle
Hey you, pass me down that bottle, yeah
Hey you, you can't shake me round now
I get so lost and don't know how
And it hurts to care, I'm going down

Forgot my woman, lost my friends
Things I'd done and where I've been
Sleep in sweat the mirror's cold
See my face it's growin' old
Scared to death no reason why
Do whatever to get me by
Think about the things I've said
Read the page it's cold and dead

And take me home
Yeah, take me home
Oh, oh, take me home
Take me home, yeah
Take me home

Say goodbye don't follow

I can't change it, and your mind is made up, do what you wish, I was drawn in and let out all of a sudden, can you imagine why I suddenly clung on?

Oh and your smooth-talking friend? He can go fuck himself, you're mislead by whatever crap I very much almost 100% know that he is saying. But since you're stuck with him due to me, not much of a choice you have there but stick to the bullshit.

Oh and your mind? It screwed you over.

And I don't care about what I seem right now, and this blog will change however I fucking feel, and if you don't wanna read, don't; don't wanna comment, 3a airi, I don't need anyone... I don't give a flying beetle's vag.

But I give a fuck about you, fucking ironic.

Can't blame me for not wanting something, and I don't blame.

I don't mind as long as you're okay.

Tell yourself what you want to make it seem like I'm the shithead, lie to yourself if it'll make you feel better. I won't. And I never did.

Use me a little then drain my life all of a sudden because suddenly you were on top. I remember a day when I was on top and even considered ignoring you and not caring, but I gave and loved; unlike who you've become.

This is not aimed at anyone, if it feels aimed at you, then you know what you've done.

But what do I know? I'm just a weak channel for words and sadness right?

What? I'm talking about humanity in general and theconceptual thinking of misenpulization and takeovers in the economy

Is that not clear? o.O

Heh...

Nevermind

2010-02-08T22:21:00.001+02:00

Anti-rant

2010-02-07T23:40:00.002+02:00

Well the guitar sounds like a good piece of work now :)

Composed a new piece already, I wanna post it but I have no idea how, if anyone knows, please do share.

I think I should make a vid on movie maker and add it?

But yeah it was a tad inspired by Feiruz's Ya Raitak Hown (I think that's the song's correct name).

3 design stuff this semester, I'm epically fucked. But meh. Minshoof.

Sweet dreams

... Speaking of dreams, I saw a friend with green jello on their hands, what does that mean?
And what does it mean when you see children playing SNES (Super Nintendo Entertainment System) in your dream?
Well I can't remember what else I saw, but it was quite the clusterfuck.

Yalla jadd sweet dreams halla2.
Bye

Feiruz

2010-02-07T01:56:00.007+02:00

I got to reconnect with Feiruz today...

Wonderful...
Amazing music, amazing voice...

Raitak Hown is an amazing song by her...

Thank you...

I can only say that I wish all were different...
I only hope that I can sing in your head again...

I wish to sing out of joy rather than release again...

Your voice tears into my heart and makes it swell with tears which speak of the harsh reality that broke my dream...

They say love is unreal...
I told myself the same to try and forget...
What greater romance is there when the world hates...?
What greated death can I have when you, also, build gates...?

I am clinging on to my last breath...
I wish I can still be weak for you...
I still can...
Help me breathe...

I can take my weight and everything...

Oh I miss you so...
My strength is in hate, I can't but try and resort to anything...
I miss you...
I can't move...
on...?

...................................

My tears they flow...
Everything is you...
When will my pain disappear...
Unhealthy... I know...
But by god I miss you...

So I must hate to live... unless you let me live in your silk arms and rugged humor...

Let the future bring it all together...

Why do I feel so paranoid as if the entire universe is against what I want...?
I want you...

Let me be...

A curse... The most wonderful curse...

I feel pathetic... I can't be free...

Let me in....
...
...
..
.

......

Rant

2010-02-05T04:34:00.002+02:00

Yeah go figure, ME ranting? Wow that's new

Well, things, I just felt like fucking letting stuff out.

This holiday sucks harder than a vaccum cleaner craving coke.

I need to get my sleeping schedule back in order... seriously...

I wanna wake up early and sleep normally again, I seriously miss seeing some light while being awake.
I haven't drank an adequate (don't feel like spell checking) amount of water for a long long time.
I haven't had a meaningful experience for a while now.
I haven't had a good, fun tip (from the adjective of tipsy) for a while.
My high e-string snapped yesterday.
I haven't had an AWESOME FUN TIME in a long time.
I haven't felt like fapping for a while now.
I haven't felt for a while now.
I haven't fucking ashdjkashdlaivmuhDLsdjad.
I haven't given a fuck for a while now.
I am more edgy than EVER and everything seems to be getting on my nerves.
I haven't been me for a long time now.
I haven't given for a while.
I haven't given myself for a while.
I'm considering shaving my head or doing dreadlocks.
I haven't gone out in a while, everything is boring and having a good time is expensive.
I haven't been connected with anything for a while now.
I do not feel any sense of accomplishment.
I am really pissed at the entire fucking world right now.
I hate everything and every single person right now.
I feel guilt.
I feel shame.
I feel anger.
I feel lame.
I feel boredom.

I swear by the earth that boredom is the root of all evil.

I am losing it.

I am losing everything I can fucking feel the passion seeping out. I can feel myself be drained.
I can feel myself pushing everything away and not giving a fuck.

I am disconnected from everyone and everything, especially myself.

I feel like a nuisance.

I feel like a silhouette.

I feel like dead hope.

I feel like a shredded rope.

I feel like a shit-stained ass.

I can't stop thinking about nothing and I can't do anything about my thoughts.

I can't sleep well.

Maybe it's coz I need to get my sleep schedule and my water intake in order.
I feel drained and hateful.
A very negative, uncaring, lazy, dead, pissed, evil, bored, horrible creep.

hm..

"If 'if's and 'but's were candy and nuts, everyday would be christmas"
Cool quote.

Hmm I wonder how Mousy is I haven't spoken to her in a while.

Sweet thing happened lately, 3aliana, dumdum, and rumrum got me an iron maiden shirt from italy :) what a sweet bunch.

Goodness... What a fucking shame...

What a waste...
What a cause...
What a pain...
What a creep...

I'm gonna try dedicating myself to spending a lot less time online.
AND FIXING MY FUCKING ANALLY STRETCHED SLEEPING SCHEDULE IT'S A FUCKING SHITHEADED ASSRAT!

/endrant

Bunch of abstract stuff

2010-02-01T03:43:00.005+02:00

Just a few old pictures that I found, I either took these after I had just got home drunk, or while I was waiting at the university.
Edited them through contrast and that Windows Photo Gallery thingy.

Hope to hear what you think.

I thought this one was pretty deep and powerful.

Oh and this is just a sketch I found of King Arthas from Warcraft III :)

kthxbainao

Man

2010-01-31T00:54:00.000+02:00

I am.

5alas.

Face of Melinda

2010-01-29T01:40:00.002+02:00

Face of Melinda, by the extraordinary Opeth

Just just... listen to that fucking breakdown and the outro.

It just gets to me every single time...

every
single
time

The Best things in Life

2010-01-25T13:45:00.002+02:00

Well I would have made a list like this one (by Farah, Observations of a Jordanian), but she really said everything I love about Jordan.

So I thought I'd make a list about the best things in life that really pass by unappreciated sometimes (even by those who appreciate them):

1) Led Zeppelin morning! Whether it's rainy, sunny, foggy, fucky, shitty, Led Zeppelin can always make it better! Ironically "Night Flight" is amazing in the morning.

2) Blogging and getting comments (I'm sorry I had to!! AND IT'S TRUE!).

3) Headbanging with long hair!

4) Having long hair and being able to ignore comments.

5) Running for no reason at all.

6) Having random conversations with random people.

7) Working in an awesome team and having a family-like atmosphere when you work.

8) Going to Jabal Amman at 9 in the morning and having breakfast.

9) Watching a concert in Souk Jara (watching any concert at all actually).

10) Vandalizing (I'm sorry it's just a lot of fun sometimes) as long as you don't hurt people, and as long as do stuff that could be undone.

11) Playing a music instrument.

12) Creating a work of art (sketch/painting/musical piece).

13) Working all night before a design submission and doing well.

14) Waiting for a submission with other people in the basement.

15) Winning an argument.

16) Being the best player on your team in a game of DotA.

17) Being an amazing support on your team in a game of DotA.

18) Saving someone's ass in DotA when their hp is 10 or something, and them saying "ty" afterwards.

19) Denying a tower in DotA (especially when the other team is attacking it at the same time).

20) Writing a good blog post.

21) Watching the sunrise/sunset while in or by any body of water xD.

22) Having conversations when you just forget the time.

23) Appreciating things after their gone and smiling when you remember them.

24) Washing dishes!!! (I really loved it!)

25) Getting drunk with a good bunch of friends.

26) Walking in Rainbow Street after drinking then taking a piss at "Tche Tche" lol.

27) Seriously, DotA is one hell of a game.

28) Being right!

29) Winning an argument.

30) Presenting a good design and being flattered :D

31) Cooking.

32) Led Zeppelin and EVERY SINGLE SONG OF THIERS!!! Seriously, I can not stress this enough!

33) System of a Down and singing along to their songs with a friend (or alone).

34) Playing a blues solo.

35) Shredding.

36) Learning a song on the guitar (or any instrument) through transcribing.

37) Playing an awesome riff that you made up.

38) Smoking a cigarette outside and having a nice view and someone you could be quiet with.

39) Having someone who cares about you/loves you.

40) Taking a shit!!!! I mean you just literally let things out!! hahahah

41) Waking up early and thinking that you have to wake up early for whatever reason, then remembering that there's nothing you have to wake up for.

42) Having a nice/fucked up/weird dream with random things popping out. (I had a dream about Miley Cirus the other day o.0)

43) Kissing! 'Nuff said!

44) Trolling people.

45) Playing the drums!!!!!

46) Listening to an Iron Maiden song on TV (VH1 Rocks plays them sometimes and for some reason the song is 200% more powerful!).

47) Writing lists like this!

48) Having that bond with your country, one way or another.

49) Randomly talking to people on the street coz they're part of the research for the project.

50) Being relaxed.

51) Being hyper.

I guess that's it!

Random one

2010-01-23T17:40:00.002+02:00

so I'm close to 333 posts

I'm SOO gonna write my 333rd post at like 3:33 am :D

Yeahhhh

Soooo... what's up Saed?

Wallahi wala ishi kullo tamam.

Got falafel with my sister today, taghyeer jaw. We bonded a little it was nice.

My mother went to Lebanon (Beirut) on thursday morning. She's gonna be there for a while with some old friends of hers from school. Pretty cool!
I'm really proud of her :)

Oh you should really listen to a song by Pantera called Hollow.
Post it?

Oh okay haha... no

Why? Because nobody will listen to it. So look it up yourself if you people feel like listening to a good song.

Metal Gear Solid is still downloading coz the one I got didn't work.

I also chose to abort my baby, Falcon punches work wonders.

Yeah so what's with that whole Haiti thingy?

I mean "bawwww haiti" and all that stuff.

But seriously, celebrities were talking about the subject, and I think they talk about it way too much. I think it's pretty cool that they're helping them out and all, but I think it's gonna be another trend at some point and celebrities are gonna support Haiti whether they care or not just to market. But don't get me wrong, I don't mean that that all of them are in the support thing for all the wrong reasons.

But here's another point. Palestine has been getting raped for what is it now? 60 years? Yeah no trend can live that long right? Hmmmm....

Oh and nobody aided Gaza when they got flooded by Israel and isolated into a country's asshole. How about they help a country that's being affected by humans (since you can actually talk to humans) and let the country that got hit by nature revive, they're not under any pressure.

One celebrity I saw on TV (who I don't even know) said "We have to support them emotionally along with financially, I mean it's gotta affect you when you see all the dead bodies etc etc..." (that's the gist btw, not direct quoting)
Well how about being born in a battlefield and living in it, then dying in it?
I bet that's scarring, too. I believe that does very much affect you, no?

Support them how about that?

(Disagree? go suck a monkey's nipple and finger its red ass)

So what else is new?

Oh...

Lol yeah >.>

*cough* yeah

Okay! My job here is done!

Bye

I can't sleep :\

2010-01-22T04:08:00.005+02:00

Well the title says it all...

It's really quiet, Amman is sounding dead rather than asleep.

I have been lying down in bed since 2:00am (and it's 4:10am now) and I really can't sleep. I have done nothing but flip around, think, and glare at the wall.

Well I guess now I'm doing something different meh; yay the holiday started >.>

I haven't done anything fun in a while, been busy with exams and now I guess people have more important things to look after.

Farah's grandmother passed away, and I guess that's a lot to cope with, I hope she'll be fine.
Abidal is... well I dunno what he's doing.
Shadi is in Amman for a while I think I think I'll give him a call sometime, might go have breakfast with him tomorrow, but since I can't even sleep, I don't think I will.

So lately it has just been me writing a bunch of stuff and messing around on the guitar (whose strings are already getting screwed and stuff).

Meh I think I'm still getting better; there's still a lot to learn, though.

I'm gonna go see if there's something fun to do.
Bye

EDIT 4:22am:

Yeah not much to do...

The thoughts are just having this huge gigantic clusterfuck in my head, making my heart and brain completely numb. I am almost sure that this will pass, and I'll be able to be confident, talkative, and strong again soon.
I don't even know what I'm thinking of...

I guess at some point I'm just thinking of life in general...

Man I really hope I can perform my ideas on stage sometime, so many concepts and stuff... lol...

What is life, anyway...

I mean it is pretty much a cliche, but what's the point?

They say it's to find love; to find someone else in order to make the trip worthwhile. But isn't finding love itself a bit of a pain in the ass? lol
Meh...

For me I think it IS about finding love, and everyone finds it in different ways.

I think my aim in life is to have a huge influence on people. A legend.
A legend with his footprint on the system's testicles.

Heh heh... just *POP!* (that's one pop because we all know that the system has one testicle), and BAM footprint!

But yeah...

I guess I'm typing that down for myself.
Hell I'm doing everything for myself.

But yeah... A legend...
I mean creating art is probably the best way to show the world the good that grows out of "bad".

Truth is that all surroundings are good. I mean humans adapt to anything... I think how we adapt makes us who we are... how we adapt gives us our identities.

I wonder what I adapted to...?

I really wonder what made me what I am today...

I mean I know the influences, but I still don't know why it takes me a long time to stop being shy in person. Well actually I'm not shy with people, unless I'm really close to them.

I mean why should I care about how other people see me?

But I always have a reason to care about how my family and closest friends see me.

There's always the bad side that comes out and pushes people away. Everyone has it, I think... (Am I right?)

Maybe people are meant to lie to people close to them...

Maybe as a man I'm meant to suck things up always, just because I have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and end up dying from a heart attack.

Jealous? suck it up
Paranoid? suck it up
Panicking? suck it up
Someone you care about isn't getting to know you? suck it up
Sucking things up is destroying your spirit and now you can't get anything because you can't lie/hide things? suck that up, too!

Then after you die from sucking things up to the level of everything drowns your own heart in its own blood, everyone would say "oh poor thing, if only he let things out once in a while"
or (and i really quote this one from personal experience) "if only we paid him enough attention while he was alive"

But so far, I only see that people don't respect people who let things out. Unless they let them out meanly.
They would either be called fags or over-sensitive vags if they let it out normally.
Or they would have gotten ignored and given second-hand "msayara" attention.

But people like Hitler and other dictators, they let things out on the world, and did a whole lot of illogical shit. And people respect them.

But of course, our time of logic is mislead and is in fact the same as it was a long fucking time ago.

People respect nothing but power...

And at some level I see my being nice to people as a weakness.
And when I'm not nice I see myself as an asshole.
And when I don't care and I'm just happy and letting out good energy it's no use, and I get shot down.

Then if you don't care about anyone, people just get interested about what you say/do because it's different, and they follow you and like you until they see your truth and then they throw you away like a disposable dildo (which, in the end, we all are... god's disposable dildoes; godheads please excuse me, you too god; it's a figure of speech).

How can you get close to anyone if that's how they're gonna be in your "logic/ill-logic/whatever you wanna call it"?

Fear of the "truth" (or the brutal/shallow truth of nature which old people speak of) to actually be true.
Just like god's followers actually fear his nonexistence.

I think I fear the existence of good people without bad intentions or without repercussions [sp, don't feel like spell checking].

I know I know... you try and - meh - you learn.

I think that you should maybe keep the barriers up until you're not interesting as a figure anymore, but rather an interesting person with a good personality to someone. That's when you see whether it's a lie or not.

I think I'm part the "shy" artist who creates, and part the "confident" persona who presents and does things. And they mix and stuff. Then there's the "dork" part. Then there's the "self-destructive" part.

Actually I'm not shy, I just get nervous sometimes coz I dunno what to say.
And if I don't care I'll stay quiet.

Meh it's pretty confusing...
Why do you need to know yourself, anyway? :\

My goodness... how fragile we are...
There's a child in all of us...

You either let the child be and risk getting surprise buttsecks'd by life, or you put up walls (as you're meant to do in systems) and be lifeless.

How? I guess we'll all find a way at some point.

I think this pretty much sounds like the fragility within us all...

Lol... maybe I'm thinking too much. But I just can't help it.

Have a nice day

Metro

2010-01-20T01:08:00.005+02:00

One of my favourite songs of all time.
One of the BEST BANDS OF ALL FUCKING TIME!!!
ALL TIME!!!

It's actually a cover, it's originally by a band called "Berlin"

Here you go

Metro, by System of a Down

Lyrics:

I'm alone, sitting with my broken glass
My four walls follow me through my past
I was on a Paris train
I emerged in London rain
And you waiting there swimming through apologies

I remember searching for the perfect words
I was hoping you might change your mind
I remember a soldier standing next to me
Riding on the Metro

I was smiling as you took my hand
Saw the mood we spoke in France
You were passed as shallow word
It isn't passed there's still the hurt
You were passed as shallow word
It isn't passed there's still the hurt
I can see you now smiling as I pulled away..
sorry

I remember the letter wrinkled in my hand
"I'll love you always" filled my eyes
I remember the night we walked along the Seine
Riding on the Metro

I remember a feeling coming over me
Then the soldier turned and walked away
F**k you for loving me
Riding on the Metro

READ ME!! READ ME NOW THIS IS IMPORTANT!!!

2010-01-19T23:56:00.004+02:00

Problem officer?

I think I'm getting picked up!

THE DOWNER PHASE MIGHT BE COMING TO AN END!!

unless maybe master trixxed us (lolseewutididthar?)

Aaaanyway

(Hold your head up) MOVING ON!

So apparently the oldest profession in the world is manwhoring? AHAHAAHAHAH

Ahh my goodness I crack myself up sometimes xD
I thought the first profession (informal profession, that is) would be jacking lumber (as in a lumberjack lawl) not being a manwhore -.-

oh wait it is jacking lumber... off

Anyway, being the dork I am, guess what I'm doing?! MOAR EPSXE GAMES LAL!!

Downloading Metal Gear Solid (that really awesome one from ps1) and Final Fantasy IX (coz I miss it and it's entertaining)

I dunno why I feel like playing those stuff but yeah I really feel like it!

That is all. Now fuck off.

2010-01-18T07:57:00.002+02:00

Just a little something for you to listen to as it the sky rains its ass off... nicely.

Come on it does fit nicely with the pouring rain doesn't it? It's a NICE PIECE! YOU LOVE IT AND YOU WILL LISTEN!!!!!

Lol okay so yeah it's still raining and I have an exam now. Hopefully I'll find a taxi.

Also, you just lost the game.

I really don't feel like going out, my bed was so warm :(

Yeah so I'm gonna talk until I finish this cigarette.

So how are we all doing?

Meh nevermind I now have to go walk (IN THE RAIN!!) and get a cab.

Have a nice day! :)

I love you Maul :)

2010-01-15T00:43:00.003+02:00

Always there for me :D

LOVE YOU!!

Who says you need to be hard/horny to have a fucking orgasm?!

Trashed, Lost, and Strungout

2010-01-14T01:02:00.003+02:00

By Children of Bodom

They don't admire this band for no reason.

Listen to that energy

Heavy fucking metal baby!!! \m/

They're not overrated.

Lyrics (I think they have a few mistakes in them; typos and such):
Once a day falling on the trail walking blind trade nothing discretion in low,
It's hard to wait taking yourself in honor I should know how low I can go.

Before I go high I'm very down,
And I'll be going after it again and again.

You try biting all the way not be one to be trashed, lost and strungout,
Then again try something fucked to mess around with what's to coming out.

Before I go high I'm very down,
And I'll be going after it again and again.

Come on!

Maybe I shouldn't profisize my life what the fuck have I done to you?
But did you ever be harassed, with my head still trying to tell me what the fuck to do!

I need to get it to the point where I cannot do,
Nothing but trying to be strungout on you.
Let me drown way deep down below for a sleep that'll surely let go.
Until the end I raise and batter around looking at my own reflection.
Forever lost I kiss you good bye to kill my soul addiction.

Before I go I hit the ground,
The only way I ever get down,
And with the next you'll tell me where to go,
Then I'll be going after it more and more!

I need to get it to the point where I cannot do,
Nothing but trying to be strungout on you.
Let me drown way deep down below for a sleep that'll surely let go.
Until the end I raise and batter around looking at my own reflection.
Forever lost I kiss you good bye to kill my soul addiction.

Something I'm proud of

2010-01-12T22:09:00.003+02:00

Supposedly Professor Majd Al-Homoud has left our university for good, but I don't really know.
She is one of the best professors I have ever met.

Anyway, this was my work while I took the first Architectural design course with her.

Some of the work does not look so good coz of the camera and stuff, and it looks better in real life. The shading looks like crap in the pictures.

Anyway, I'm proud of this work and I thought I would share.

PS if the work looks dirty, it's because the wall was.

Clicky
v v v
Steel Life.

5 most important people of 2009

2010-01-12T03:41:00.003+02:00

Well it's a bit late but come on people, you've gotta have a list in the new year.

1. Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris is always #1

2. Obama

Pwned the KKK, nothing more, nothing less, nothing else.

3. Osama Bin Laden

Still the Hide and Seek champion since what is it now...? 7 YEARS?!!!?? ZOMG PWNAGE!!

4. Whoever the hell created twitter

Now people can talk to themselves more than talking to others

5. Gloria Jean's

Because it's where the biggest design breakthroughs have happened.

YES AM BARRED!

And the laptop is running out of battery, so bye now.

Bye-bye

I can't fucking believe this....

2010-01-10T05:15:00.004+02:00

You know what? FUCK you, and FUCK your shallow friends.
I never fucking thought that you would end up being just as shallow as they are.

You wanna run away?
"Mish mostawa"?

RUN the FUCK away ashoof what the fuck you're gonna do.
Then we'll see exactly shoo howwe illi mish mostawa.

You know exactly what our situation is, and you know exactly how much she needs the subject in matter.

She fucking SHOULD take the damn job, and it's not your fucking business coz you have no say coz you are in fact unproductive and you are not doing your best at anything except for showing off just like your fucking idiotic, airheaded, dumbass "friends".

You were fucking changing yourself for people and you became something that I fucking despise. I only saw it now.

You fucking talk to us like we're below you, like you're the fucking master.

Well the only reason we fucking put up with it is because you say you're sad/depressed or whatever.

Well fuck you!

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!!!

Who the FUCK do you think you are!?!?

Stop fucking talking the talk haik habal!!

You act like something that you ARE NOT, maybe you will be that one day, but I really don't think so due to the attitude you have right now. Not with that fucking "E! Entertainment Channel" kind of """"THINKING""""

Who the hell do you think you are?!?!

HOW THE HELL DID YOU END UP BEING THIS SHALLOW!!

I could swear to the fact that you are brainwashed by all the dumb things in life!!

KEEP THIS UP AND YOU'RE NOTHING BUT AN EMPTY VESSEL LIKE EVERYTHING I DESPISE

Shame on you.

SHAME ON YOU!

"ugh mish mostawa! shoo a7ki la sa7baati! keef biddi attalla3 bi 5il2ithom"

KOS O5T 5il2ithom!

I am fucking disappointed.

STOP BEING FAKE!!

FAKE FAKE FAKE FAKE!!

YOUR FRIENDS ARE FAKE AND YOU LIKE SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T EXIST ON ANY REALM.
Your "values" are nothing but rainbows on the foundations of human fashion...

Shame on you...

And you wonder how you stress her out...
Change that fucking attitude...

FINGERS CROSSED!!!!!!!

2010-01-09T12:43:00.001+02:00

Dear Dr. Maram,

I am sending you this e-mail representing our design section. It is probable that you can guess what the request "we" are going to make is; we would like to ask you kindly - and despreately - for postponing the jury date of our section.

The reason for this request, while cliche, is unfortunately true. The reason being the fact that we are swamped with the workload and time draining of other subjects, other final exams, and other attendance of lectures. We would very much like to ask that you postpone the submission for one further week.

My personal reason, which I would like to add, is the fact that I am strongly trying to somehow manage to find a way to combine your latest suggestion to my creation with my concept of equality and creating a distinct Ammani Architecture (to create a pride and bonding between the people). Plus, I have a lot of organising to do when it comes to the alternatives and chronological order of presentation. It is - unfortunately - taking me a lot of time, again considering the fact that we have other workloads.

I apologize deeply on our behalf for this request, I really hope that we would be able to have more time, so that we would be able to present the works which would meet your expectations and ours. Hopefully we would be able to make you proud.

Yours sincerely,

Saed Tillawi

All Apologies

2010-01-09T00:21:00.002+02:00

Sorry if this blog ended up being a bit of a depression hole.

And I'm sorry if I depress you still, but I honestly don't care because this blog is personal and not made to please, and I can say anything I want. I would state this as a disclaimer somewhere, but I have no idea how.

And I'm also sorry if I depress you all, in any way, coz if I'm feeling troubled too much lately, but I really don't care. I'm going through a lot of shit.

To whom it may concern.

To sum things up...

2010-01-09T00:04:00.003+02:00

So I wrote an entire post, but I don't wanna share it, like it would have a meaning if I posted it anyway.

Point is...

Life really changed...
I don't wanna grow up and die while being alive...
I am deeply disturbed...

There.

Drop C Tuning

2010-01-06T23:28:00.001+02:00

I came

Oh hi I got some words and I thought I'd just drop them by and see what happens...

2010-01-06T01:19:00.005+02:00

So I saw this poem on THIS BLOG HERE (MI VIDA)

Amazing poem

Edgar Alan Poe

Maybe it'll cheer some of you up, maybe it'll bring you down, it kinda gave me some hope...

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were---I have not seen
As others saw---I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I lov'd, I loved alone.
Then---in my childhood---in the dawn
Of a most stormy life---was drawn
From ev'ry depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that 'round me roll'd
In its autumn tint of gold---
From the lightning in the sky
As it pass'd me flying by---
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.

So this is a tad unrelated for some and others...
But the poem and beauty brought me to this...

Sometimes we wish that we could bring back the past... I chose to never do that, I never would have been myself today

Goddess somethings are worth going back for...

What is and what should never be......
What is, anyway?
What should never be if it has already been?
What is the past and should it have remained? Should it have still been there?

Fate is a load of crap if you ask me...

Who you are determines who you become and what you get...

No regrets...

We only regret when we lose, and we are content when we are happy...

So just live by the moment...

We are what the world makes us, if we don't like it, I guess we do what we wanna be and hope we will be ourselves...
After whatever happens...
And if you're yourself and still have regret and know something, then take it coz it might not come by itself and not everything is easy...
Goddess I am me...
Goddess a word can cut into me...
A bunch of words of that much depth are to sweeten and maybe it's time for my defeat?
Am I tinking too much or are the signs as clear as I wish them to be...?

Also I started this new blog that's anonymous, well I guess it's not anonymous anymore, I'm putting together a conceptual thing.
Thought I would write things that would be fit for a whole artwork of poetry and music.
So far I have words, the music will come out in time, I'd need a new guitar for that -.-
Nothing from there is posted here though.

Porcelain Heart

2010-01-05T00:52:00.002+02:00

Porcelain Heart, by Opeth

Lyrics:

I, lost all I had (one April day),
I, turned to my friends (nothing to see),
I, wrote down a name (and read it twice),
I, wallow in shame.

I, said that I love (eternal schemes),
I, cling to my past (like childish dreams)
I, promised to stay (and dwell my grief)
I, went far away.

I see roads beneath my feet,
Lead me through wastelands of deceit,
Rest your head now, don't you cry,
Don't ever ask the reason why

Kept inside our idle race
Ghost of an idol's false embrace
Rest your head now don't you cry
Don't ever ask the reasons why.

Here it goes...

2010-01-03T02:53:00.006+02:00

Alright "readers", try and keep up with this one... :)

Life is a strange thing...

One second things go well, then you get screwed over, then you get hopeful, then you lose something amazing, then you get something else coz you wanna get busy with something other than what you lost, then you work hard, then you realize that you're not a shithead, then you realize how shitheaded you are, then you work a bit, then you realize things are going pretty well, then you realize you can do better, then you do better, then you lose the game, then you get yourself up, then you lose that and gain something else, then you lose that and gain work, then you realize that life is nothing but a game, then you get screwed and pissed and realize that the game isn't worth playing, then you for some reason feel adequate enough to be someone, then you play the game again, and you don't care about anything, coz you feel like you're leaving a print in people's lives, then you don't care about the loss and you just live the moment...

:) Then you know that later you're gonna be cursing at stuff and saying "oh fuck me what the hell was I thinking when I wrote this -.-"

I think working and feeling useful is what controls our mood...

And when you feel useless and incapable to be something at work, you kinda go somewhere else to feel important... then as soon as you work, you ditch and go back to feeling useful in the system, we all love to belong...
And the person sharing your temporary, hypocritical beliefs (which were probably born out of the feeling of being useless) is sacrificed, and is dubbed a devil, a rebel, a rebel against the system, just like you once were, and you are gone...
And you become a systematic shithead, and you search for signs saying otherwise in other places...

Poor Devil... shunned for something that eliminates her/his nature...
But nevertheless, she/he fights on... for the sake of her/his beliefs...
I can't help but admire her/him... :)

When you're not accepted, you hold on to your beliefs more
When you are accepted, you become more careless about your beliefs and become more hypocritical (take religions being a minority or a majority, it really affects the people's belief in them).
I'm sure you can see what I'm saying here, no?

You know what's funny...?

People are all the same...

It's just our different experiences which make us different...

I think that you either have ACTUAL LOVE or a JOB that makes you feel useful... I don't think you can have both...
But we shall see...

You know what else is really funny?

The fact that people see themselves as the center of the world...
And if they don't feel like that coz they give too much, then they seek it...

Am I a hypocrite..?
Hahah yeah! We all are!

We all are...

I'm going to promise myself something tonight...

I pledge myself to my beliefs...
I will not change myself to belong to a system or to be liked...
I will be myself; because if I change myself to be accepted, then the people who already accepted me will be hurt... I had a chance to start over and be myself... and I will take it...
I will not change myself for compassion and intimacy...
I will not be uncomfortable for the fact that I want to be liked for once rather than be the rebel the whole time...
I will be myself...
I am myself...
I will be strong enough to have the courage to be myself... And not caring about others, nor changing for them...
I will follow my beliefs coz it really is annoying when people say something then do the other, it's horrible...
I will follow my distinct morals, forged by demons, angels, fire, water, earth, wind, natives, foreigners...
I will not change my beliefs in order to survive, I am greater than that...
My mind is what sets me apart and my spirit is what will carry me through...
And my footprint will be left on the world's buttcheeks, because I choose to be different...
I will be strong...
I will be proud...
Nothing will bring me down...

Saed Tillawi

You can't bring me down

2009-12-30T08:46:00.000+02:00

Even if you fucking betray me.

Fuck you.
'nuff said

KTHXBAI

Ghaza, honestly?

2009-12-28T01:21:00.004+02:00

As sad as I feel when I consider what has happened to them last year, and as pissed of I am at the Zionist movement, I think it is a load of crap that people care.

If you care do something.

And this is my share.

It's a load of shit.

"aww you gaiz gazza is so screwed im so sadz bawzzz"
"totally, all those people dying"
"i saw one picking his nose"
"ewwwwwwwwww"
"lets follow fashion and not do anethn"
"eww who picks there no'z"
"no idia ugh"

Full of crap.

Nobody cares anymore.

Let's give a fuck, fuckers.

You don't give a fuck.
Truth is that half of humans don't care about much other than themselves.
Also, Jordanians are only worrying about themselves, and Ghaza is nothing but a subject to talk about while fighting the fight.

Half the people here are occupied by their own well-being since they're REALLY ACTUALLY screwed.
The others just don't give a fuck because they actually are okay and don't care.

What WOULD they do?

What CAN they do anyway?

It's a load of crap.

Hell nobody even cares to read the boring stuff about Palestine right?

Let's give a damn and at least do our part. That's what I think.

I mean we all say we're touched and then not do anything about it (I meant to exaggerate).

Seems like the only way that people would care about doing anything about it is if it had subliminal sexual images involved in it, or if it was fashionable.

Maybe it's the bigger political plan.

Like anyone gives a fuck. As long as they're okay, they don't care.

The vanity of humans.
Fuck you.

Have a nice day.

"zomg im so tuchd rllyyyyy"
"yaaaa me tuuu"
"awwwzzz oh well let's be mainstream and be cool and thnk abt sex"
"yaa totally, it sells and we're brainwashed by it, lets notz care"
"IZ LOVEZ tht!"
"ahaahaaa"
"eww"
"ewww"
"kewllll"
"woooz ahaha!"
"yalla nwalle3 ishya wo nitfa7lan?"

My 300th post

2009-12-26T02:30:00.005+02:00

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHA

Lol Shadi Shadi xD

In other news...

Okay so New Year's is close right? RIGHT!

Forget that resolution thing, I don't do that stuff.

But here's the stuff!

1)
I love myself, I miss the pissed-off-at-the-world-and-every-living-and-loving-thing me. It's just something the world has to see. To understand myself, I had to see myself in love and then compare that to "me". I guess the anger and weird horribly gory imagery in me is part of who I am, and it's just something people have to accept if they know me. I am almost depressed at times, completely hyper at other times, vandilzing at others, angry at other times, pissed at everything, out of my own control in other times, crazy in times, completely anti-social in other times, fucked up and a tad psyhotic in other times.
It's who I am I guess. All of those.
Schizophrenia (however the hell you spell that) has got nothing on who I am.

2)
I have design to do.

3)
Some good friends of mine are back from abroad, and my mind still somehow finds itself busy with certain stuff and distractions.

4)
I am who I am.

5)
I LOVE random things happening! Today some people came up to me and Shadi and asked "can I touch your hair" hahahaahah
Well go fucking figure, they got to touch "the hair" and it was a bunch of random friends we got to meet.
I love rainbow street.

6)
I love life sometimes.

over 9000)
I hate life sometimes.

8)
I love me sometimes.

9)
I hate me sometimes.

10)
I realized, that if anyone is to accept me, they have to see the dorky, fucked up, anti-dance, anti-common-life, anti-humanity side of me. And if I have to lie in order to satisfy someone who I love, then I have given up on the dream of "love" and I shall live in seclusion to the end of my life in order to change the world and screw humanity over to show them what they are missing.

11)
Merry FUCKING Christmas.

12)

13)
Hopefully all goes well in the future.

Good night, whoever reads my blog.

2009-12-19T01:16:00.002+02:00

"Cheers to the nights we won't remember and the friends we won't forget"

:)

This blog is clearly dead

2009-12-15T23:27:00.002+02:00

but I don't give a unicorn's cock.

Good song...

My Immortal, by Evanescence

The lyrics are in the video discription.

Inconsistency is a trait of this blog, isn't it?

Well well well...

2009-12-15T02:08:00.002+02:00

Firstly,

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

xD

Secondly,

I'm up working and I got a concept and I'm about to get a form and it's kicking ass and I analyzed and I think it's gonna go well but I'm still scared shitless (well not shitless, it might go well coz I'm awesome), and I'm proud of myself and I am working like a coke-pumped hooker all night long!

HOWEVER!

No history midterm take-home paper

BUT WHY SAED? WHY YOU BASTARD?! SHAME ON YOU!! SHHAAAMMMEE-A!!!
(though shame on you bloggers, been a while since a good post came around, from my part and yours)

Anyway...

I'LL TELL YOU WHY!!

Coz I have to design and the professor can go suck a carrot! I'm gonna miss class and hope for the best, coz I'm screwed anyway. Better to miss class and get a good design grade.

Hopefully I'll still pass history III .... >.>

Okay I'm really just gonna go work.

Bai "bloggers"

YES I USED QUOTATIONS COZ YOU ALL SUCK!

Y'ALL SUCK!!

Wiskey pwns Vodka

2009-12-14T23:29:00.001+02:00

It just does lulz :D

Remedy Lane

2009-12-13T20:30:00.002+02:00

Pain of Salvation is one THE BEST bands ever.

So much depth, so much truth, such variety!

So Remedy Lane is an album by them, it's amazing, and if you look at the lyrics it really shows a lot of depth. Everything just lies chronologically and tells a story in this album.

So this is an instrumental track. No lyrics, but this is the idea behind it.

Amazing, powerful album.

EVERY SINGLE FUCKING PART OF IT.

10. Dryad Of The Woods

"Then came a girl
A dryad of the woods
with a sing over her door saying
"If you enter
You must forgive me everything!"
With a heart too big and brave
To let me dissapear
And still I hear
"May I sleep at your feet?"
And so she went over my fence
And reached out a hand
That I had to take
That I just had to take

...love
never let me
lose that love
never let me
lose that love
never let me
lose that love
never...

Sometimes, forgiving will
just take you one step too far
and you find yourself on Remedy Lane

Sometimes forgiving is too much
like self abuse

Sometimes forgiving leaves
too much sear tissue behind

Even if I could one day learn
to forgive you everything
Could I learn to forgive myself?

probably
I simply
didn't
understand
the full
notion of
the world
forgive"

Oh Godess...

2009-12-10T22:47:00.008+02:00

I love myself, oh Earth Mother...
I know myself...

They don't know me...

They don't understand...

I thought someone did... but, Mother, I guess we all just wait to be accepted...

We are all just hypocrites... and nobody heeds the dying voices of life... of love... of children...

Still it remains, Mother....

My words are not heeded....

My signs are ignored because I, myself, do not choose to directly deal with it... due to the fear of loss...

I can't do it.... I can't....

Why does it feel like everything is collapsing....

Oh mother show me the truth... Light my path...

Guide me... please...

I can't help but feel helpless at this point... once again... after a day of refraining from being a complete ruin of human remains... once again I die...

A million deaths...

Oh mother a million deaths... each more painful than the previous... again and again...

Help me... I'm on my knees... begging to be let back into the ignorant heaven I once belonged to...

Begging to have one pure image of something... rather than complete chaos and disbelief in everything...

And my cries are ignored... my plea is ignored...

People who don't care are who I need...

Nothing pure remains... nothing... my art is tainted with the pain inside me... and I cannot lie anymore hoping that people don't see me as pathetic anymore...

I can't lie... I can't say that I don't care...

Oh Mother please save me... heal me... please...

Please...!

And the world looks down at me for my honesty...

Honesty is a virtue since nobody is honest anymore...

You want me to go I'll go.... but for the love of the Earth and Heavens... Let me breathe...

Why am I dying, Mother...
Thy earth would sink in my tears...
Thy heart would suffocate in my blood...
Thy caves would collapse due to my scream's pain...
Thy children would die feeling what I feel...

I am numb with pain... begging that she'd let me go, Mother...

Not a whisper from her mouth, Mother...
Not a word of relief... be it the word in harshness of truth or the soothing love of hearts...

And my words are nothing but insane rambles to a human so taken by humanity...

Why am I so hurt...
Why am I still so unable to express...
Why do my questions end with dots rather than question marks...
Why does my heart pump into anything but my own veins...
Why does my heart beat so quickly with my mind ignoring ideas of everything, Mother...

Tell me...

Let me breathe... Please be honest to me, Mother...
You are the only honest one...

A child in my heart, I am... and all I feel is pain...

A child still shocked by the most cruel of worlds, Mother...

My heart is still not fluorished... why do they use it, Mother...

Why do they teach us to be something that only weakens us, Mother...

Why did I believe in another being when I believed in none but you, Mother...
I believe it was my being desperate for acceptance...

And I left you behind, Mother...

Just when they left me behind... I realized how I left you behind... ignoring what you gave me...
Like a one-man show of human evolution of thought...

In one day, Mother, I have experienced the pain and pleasure of living...

Oh Mother, it is excruciating...

All that I have, Mother...

They don't understand, Mother...

The brutal truth has taken brutal form... and the brutal form has taken brutal vengeance upon me...

Is it the truth, Mother...
Is this the truth...

Are all my beliefs to be flushed away...?

I will not be taken by them, Mother...

I am a servant of you... and let them all be the bastards that they are...

Let them all kick me only when I am down...

They all just kick you when you are down...

All of them...

Every single one...

In a shallow heaven in your depths, Mother, they are... They make it and spit on us all...

Who do they think they are...

Why am I so hurt...

They drain me, Mother...

Recklessly... brutally...

As soon as I give, they take my soul, Mother...

Beliefs are nothing... and it looks like we all have to follow another non-giver cunt of a god in order to survive...

Looks like I will not survive but rather die with you...

And one day I will get strong again, on my feet, after my agony of awakening from my wonderful sleep...
And they will return begging at my feet...

I will kick them in the teeth, watch them bleed and watch them die... I will take balance into my own hands... My own fists...

Their drainage will not go unpunished, Mother...

And they will only focus on the person saying the message, rather than looking at the actual message...

And I will be called a crazy person... and they will fear me rather than hear my words...

It has happened...

And it will happen again...

They will always misunderstand me...
And never will they hear my words unless I am supported by their shallow materialism, Mother...

Sweet dreams...

Have some mercy... Set me free and be honest...

Why can't we just talk straight to eachother's faces, fellow humans...?

As soon as one negativity is shown, they focus on it... Rather than listen...

Rather than look at the wonder that was able to actually survive...

I have experienced captivity, crime, death, revival in my life from the sanctuary of my own home and country...

Why do they choose to see the negatives, Mother...

Why...

Why...

I ask the entire world why, indirectly and directly, to be let down by many ways...

Not a single answer...

Only the sound of myself being ignored and trying to be nice enough to not kill their joy in feeling better than me...

They aren't...

They'll see...

Save me...

And instead of emotions they see insanity...

Emotions are nothing but ill-logic and miscalculations... And everything that involves reality is real rather than metaphorical...

Heal me...

Heartless...

2009-12-08T23:13:00.008+02:00

I did NOT expect this... ever.

It's just such an amazing cover, such an amazing version.

Great lyrics...

Just brought tears to my eyes.

Lyrics:

In the night I hear 'em talk, the coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road he lost his soul
To a woman so heartless
How could you be so heartless?
How could you be so heartless?

How could you be so cold?
As the winter wind when it breeze yo
Just remember that you talkin' to me though
You need to watch the way you talkin' to me though

I mean after all the things that we've been through
I mean after all the things we got into
Hey yo, I know of some things that you ain't told me
Hey yo, I did some things but that's the old me

And now you wanna get me back and you gon' show me
So you walk around like you don't know me
You got a new friend, well I got homies
But in the end it's still so lonely

In the night I hear 'em talk, the coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road he lost his soul
To a woman so heartless
How could you be so heartless?
How could you be so heartless?

How could be so Dr. Evil?
You're bringin' out a side of me that I don't know
I decided we wasn't goin' speak so
Why we up 3 a.m. on the phone?

Why does she be so mad at me for?
Homie, I don't know, she's hot and cold
I won't stop, won't mess my groove up
'Cause I already know how this thing go

You run and tell your friends that you're leavin' me
They say that they don't see what you see in me
You wait a couple months then you gon' see
You'll never find nobody better than me

In the night I hear 'em talk, the coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road he lost his soul
To a woman so heartless
How could you be so heartless?
How could you be so heartless?

Talkin', talkin', talkin' talk
Baby let's just knock it off
They don't know what we been through
They don't know 'bout me and you

So I got somethin' new to see
And you just gon' keep hatin' me
And we just gon' be enemies

I know you can't believe
I could just leave it wrong
And you can't make it right
I'm gon' take off tonight
Into the night

In the night I hear 'em talk, the coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road he lost his soul
To a woman so heartless
How could you be so heartless?
How could you be so heartless?

... Yeah...

Worth the pain, isn't it...?

It is for me. Some songs just do that...

I still want it all... every part of it...

EDIT: (No pun intended on last line)

ENTER WITH CAUTION

2009-12-08T00:24:00.007+02:00

If you're reading this know that you are a human.

You can think of this as an abstract piece of art.

Let's in-fucking-spire!

*breaks things and breaks out of the human shell killing the human within*

I don't wanna grow up.

FUCK YESH!

You wanna go? GO 3a aiiiiriiiii :D

confusion confusion

*things breaking*

*guitar shredding and wailing*

Is it just me but do people suck cock lately? I mean I know it's a fad and all the kool kats are doing it but lawd whai?

DON'T LIKE IT FUCK OFF AND FUCK YOURSELVES PEOPLE! HARD-FUCKING-CORE EH?!

FACK OFF FACK OFFFACK OFF FACK OFFFACK OFF FACK OFFFACK OFF FACK OFFFACK OFF FACK OFFFACK OFF FACK OFFFACK OFF FACK OFFFACK OFF FACK OFFFACK OFF FACK OFFFACK OFF FACK OFFFACK OFF FACK OFFFACK OFF FACK OFFFACK OFF FACK OFFFACK OFF FACK OFFFACK OFF FACK OFFFACK OFF FACK OFFFACK OFF FACK OFFFACK OFF FACK OFFFACK OFF FACK OFFFACK OFF FACK OFFFACK OFF FACK OFFFACK OFF FACK OFFFACK OFF FACK OFFFACK OFF FACK OFFFACK OFF FACK OFFFACK OFF FACK OFFFACK OFF FACK OFFFACK OFF FACK OFFFACK OFF FACK OFFFACK OFF FACK OFFFACK OFF FACK OFFFACK OFF FACK OFFFACK OFF FACK OFFFACK OFF

JUST COZ IM DRUNK DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING AND THAT I WOULD BE FULL OF FUCKING SHIT!

MY GOD YOU SICK FUCKING HUMANS

The moment you know when someone is faking or lying, you know them

I DON'T FUCKING KNOW YOU CUNTS, FUCK OFF!

GOD DAMMIT JUST WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT!!!

WHAT!

I'M SCREAMING IN WORDS KEEPING MY SELF-CONTROL/DISCIPLINE INTACT

Why do we all want lies...?

Coz lies are human, and lies are what everything is, lies lies lies, we want all that shit and crap.

FUCK THE FUCK OFF

FICKITY FUCKITY FOOCK

SCARED? GO AWAY THEN FISH 7ADA JABER RAB 5AWATKOM 3A ISHI!

You know it makes you feel special when nobody comments, coz now you know that nobody thinks like you.

All fucking humans are the same.

Exactly the same.

You fucking puppets.

Do I depress you? FUCK YOU, TOO!

SHOVE A TABLE UP YOUR ASS AND WISH IT WAS SHARP ENOUGH TO NOT TEAR YOU UP!

Don't act like you're not used to this.

FUCK YOU

ALL OF A FUCKING SUDDEN IT'S LIKE OOH NO ALL IS GOOD WHILE YOU COMMUNICATE THAT NOTHING IS WELL.

nothing comes out of nowhere, there's a root for all crappy songs you talk about.

I am sick and fucking tired.

Things have never been so swell, I have never failed to feel.

You know, you're right!

READ THE GOD DAMN LYRICS!!

STOP FUCKING LYING STOP IT!!

This is a free zone, let's see you take it normally and talk.

LET'S FUCKING SEE THINGS!

People are fascinated and "in love" with misfigured figures, then they get close and feel and scupper away.
People get close and fail to see art rather than reality.

Enjoy my art

Humans, humans...

I'm not negative you're just FUCKING FUCK!

Let's all suck things up like we're meant to do...

Let's just do that...

Just do that...

Do that...

That...

...

Yeah......

You know you're right...
You want that to be true...? So it is...
Looked for it and found it...

Don't feel like sleeping

2009-12-06T02:31:00.002+02:00

Yeah I just don't feel like sleeping.

Well I have design to do, and oh a test to study for.

But my design work is incomplete I've just been procrastinating and not feeling like working, man. -.-

GOD procrastination is such a fucked up habit. Waking up at 8 tomorrow probably, it's 2:33am... oh nevermind... 2:34 at the beep.

*Beep*

Imti7aan ta3rees history of architecture with the lazy (yet kinda good) teacher, and design concept tasleem bokra.

Design concept: kinda complete.

History exam: didn't study anything min il 3aj2a and design :\

After tomorrow, (Monday) I have a speech for English (good thing I actually wrote it already, man I would have never written a thing), and a German presentation (with the teacher being a pain in the ass due to him wanting us to be more organized and give handouts and stuff like that)

Fuck that, thinking of telling the German teacher to just bite me, I don't want the damn 10 marks, I haven't slept well in a while.

I feel too distracted.

I have been posting too much lately, batfashhash I think lol

Meh fucking crap I'm so beat yet I don't feel like sleeping. It fucking sucks how ALL OF A FUCKING SUDDEN IT'S GANG-RAPE STUDENTS TIME!!!

My GOD just 2 weeks you get fucked, then the other time you're okay.

OH OH!! I KNOW! LET'S MAKE AN "I MISS" LIST!!
for the lulz

I miss working in a group :\ it kinda motivated me to study more.

I miss having nothing on my mind.

I miss sleeping soooo fucking much right now.

I miss listening to music and doing nothing else.

I miss enjoying being on vacation rather than feeling bored and pointless.
Funny how when you procrastinate, it doesn't feel like you're not doing anything, it's like an actual chore or something.

I miss getting shitfaced drunk, not throwing up, having a kick-ass time, and laughing my tears out.

I miss playing Sonic the Hedgehog as a kid.

I miss playing with a dog.

I miss not knowing anything.

I miss the fucked up weird baths my grandma used to give me with that very ROUGH loofa that would make your skin go red.

I miss enjoying giving anyone for no reason, rather than being spiteful.

I miss drinking with my friends.

I miss winning in DotA.

I miss enjoying Disney movies.

I miss not thinking too much about everything.

I miss enjoying things.

I miss having relatives.

I miss the 3aj2a of a family.

I miss when my family used to be close to us rather than being cunts.

I miss giving a fuck about my relatives.

I miss not giving a fuck about anyone at all.

I miss playing drums real bad.

I miss being a good student.

I miss being one of the best.

I miss getting excited about football (as in soccer).

I miss getting excited about the american football back in school when some guy used to get it.

I miss not stressing over everything.

I miss letting things go.

I miss not getting disturbed by simple things.

I miss not knowing anything about Freud's ideas.

I miss knowing exactly what I believe in.

I miss pure creativity and art (I'm so glad I have you Maul).

I miss crying.

I miss taking a stand.

I miss living for the day.

I miss not knowing what growing up is.

Oh wow I really miss sleep.

Also water... brb...

back :D

I saw Abidal's niece today! :D

She smiled! It's so fucking cute! She's less than a week old I think :)

Supposedly babies like some people's voices and are bothered by others' :D

Hahah...

Babies are so cute xD

I think babies bring joy because they're still not tainted by anything. And you rarely find that.

I miss drinking with Eemad xD

I miss drinking with Chim

I miss drinking with a bunch of people I'm really comfortable with who I know accept me.

I miss hating the world enough such that I was myself fully, and didn't care about anyone.

Maybe there's this duality:
You either love yourself enough to not care, or you hate the world enough to not care.

I love myself.

... but something is missing :\

I am not complete.

I like having random conversations with complete strangers. Man Gloria Jean's really allows for that. Half the people there are like architects or something.

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I MISS? COMMENTS!! Yil3an abul yahood (zOMG Yahoo is actually Yahood, it's a conspiracy)

I miss laughing at my own jokes.

I miss making good jokes.

I miss my written words coming out of my mouth.

Meh meh meh...

Good night, mortals.

Guillov

2009-12-05T02:34:00.006+02:00

My heart is beating ferociously...
My hands quivering in anticipation...
Vengeance rumbles in my blood...
The anger begins to rage...
No bargaining for the abusive...
A tool lays swiftly in my hands, embedded in the shivers within...
My hands caress the body...
My fingers caress the steel...
My body pulls it closer, reeling in for the kill...
I tease it, feeling its moans, letting my hands get a feel...
I grip its neck violently; not to kill but to heal...
My hand strokes its own finger, connecting itself with the skin...
I strum the body gently, caressing its voice...
Bending its skin gently and harshly, and shredding, and pinching...
Making it scream and squeal...
I lay my head back and enjoy the sound of my agony ripping out...
Turning things up, it gets louder, letting out the smoke within...
Like a chimney screaming the stench it holds, I scream out the pain that dwells...
Softening up sounds as I hold the root...
Staring into blankness ahead...
I hold it tight and put my finger down, letting myself hold still...
Exhausted and wrenched, spit out and drenched, the air is thick with "why..."
I let out my soul and unlock myself, your voice rips through those ears of mine...
My drums vibrate, and no words can dictate, the pain let out in blues...
I have succumbed to ideas of a fool, oh, the lies I see in the words...
Like death on a spree, and madmen set free, you have unleashed my disease...
Truth in a cage, broken by hope, the feelings still caress me...
I talk through them sometimes, but they're nothing but limes on a wound...
A mask is put on, and so is a smile, I guess I'll just play along...
Mark my words, I will return, my memory shall not deceive...
Rambles and rambles, keeping up is the key, the truth is down on its knees...

I have written this to be open for interpretation. I hope to see what you think this is talking about. Let's see some comments, eh?

Have a good day :)

Hope

2009-12-04T13:50:00.002+02:00

Clicky.

From the article:

A Long Island deli owner who held a robber at gunpoint, then let him go after giving him $40 and a loaf of bread, says he got an anonymous letter from the crook that included a $50 bill and a thank-you for saving him from a life of crime.

The mysterious writer apologized to his would-be victim, Mohammad Sohail, saying, "First of all I would like to say I am sorry at the time I had [no] money no food on the table no job and nothing for my family."

Similar to comments he made on his knees during the incident last May, he said he realized that trying to rob the store with a baseball bat "was wrong but I had [no] choice. I needed to feed my family."

Truely amazing :)

Glad to see some people still have religion as a religion and not a political mannerless thing that kills people.

This is how I remember religion.
I still would rather not be involved in any, but religious people like that are what keeps a good image of all religions.

I have hope in human beings once more. This really made my day. :)

Have a good day.

Time: The Beginning

2009-12-04T13:03:00.001+02:00

Una vez fuiste mis amigo
Ahora se que no puedo atar tus manos

Good song, excuse the drama.

For fuck's sake....

2009-12-04T02:18:00.003+02:00

My head just might explode...

My god SHUT UP, LADY!!!

Ugs are ugly

Ugs as in "uglies"

Ugs as in "UGH, what the fuck IS that thing!?!?!?!!?"

Now fuck off!! I don't wanna listen to a crappy song about a party, I wanna listen to some nice soft song that doesn't involve sex appeal, love, nor any other fucked up thingy.

OH and listening to a part of a song, then rewinding, and hearing it again, thne waiting for it to go further, then rewinding the song fro mthe beginning DOES NOT MAKE PEOPLE LOVE THE SONG

God-rape-it just shut the damn annoying song off! B3ARD IL NAWARR!~!!!

This is like fucking brainwash. You like it, I don't. Let's find a compromise (how comprimise? 3a teezi).

I hate music that sounds like that, I don't feel like listening to it, and I said so, so have a bit of some fucking consideration!

Now let me enjoy my night.

Black

2009-11-29T01:23:00.006+02:00

Black by Pearl Jam

Live version (much better... much more expressive...)

...

...

...

Great song...

All I can say...

...

Lyrics are in the vid...

Why...

"Once divided, nothing left to subtract..."
-Nothingman, Pearl Jam

Vice

2009-11-28T14:18:00.003+02:00

Only in here. Only in this place do we have to label every vice a ‘disease.’ Only here are all our hobbies suspiciously probed until we can figure out a way to classify them as an ‘affliction.’ Are we so reluctant to admit to any sort of personal responsibility or decision making capability that they can’t even enjoy a glass a wine with dinner without wondering if they should seek treatment? The whole concept of functioning alcoholism is garbage. Functioning alcoholic equals not a alcoholic.

- Sourced

Could not agree more. So what if I have a vice, if you're doing okay, you ARE okay. No matter how much you drink, if it's not ruining your life, you're okay.
No matter how much you work, fuck, jack-off, watch porn, kiss ass, strip, sniff glue, vandalize... it's all good. Just don't screw your life over.

People comment on everything.

Also, I wanna try weed.

And you just lost the game.

Territorial Pissings

2009-11-28T00:58:00.002+02:00

Oh fuck tagging I don't feel like it.

I'm a downer and yeahhh

Territorial Pissings by Nirvana

Lyrics:

Come on people now smile on your brother everybody get together, try TO love one another right now

When I was an alien
Cultures weren't opinions

Gotta find a way ,find a way, when I'm there
Gotta find a way ,a better way, a better way

Never met a wise man
If so it's a woman

Gotta find a way , find a way, when I'm there
Gotta find a way ,a better way, a better way (x2)

Just because you're paranoid
Don’t mean they're not after you

Gotta find a way ,find a way, when I'm there
Gotta find a way ,a better way, a better way (x2)
(x3)

Life is liiiifffeeee xD

Ignorance is bliss

2009-11-28T00:20:00.003+02:00

... it is.

See post previous to this one.

Lies lies lies lies...

I dunno but I've been told.
People die and become cold.
I know it's real but I believe.
Death is not but a relief.

Mind is fighting my own heart.
We are mammals; just a part.
There ain't no head it's just we.
Wishing that there's humanity.

Well fuck me running!

Irony (WARNING, PLEASE ENTER WITH A STRONG MIND THAT WOULD IGNORE STUFF)

2009-11-27T23:44:00.006+02:00

(Please note that this post is unaffected by real-life events of the author)

What you can't have you will always want.

That's life.

And life ain't fair.

As long as Nature doesn't brood over the loss of Nature, there will always be slave and there will always be king.
- Gaahl

Gaahl you know the world better than anyone.

We are meant to be machines just like animals.
Maybe love doesn't exist, it is made.

Lust and love are usually confused together, then you can't have that which you lust over, so you want it more and call it love, coz it literally makes you feel something, probably coz you're horny and your human nature wants that someone.

... but is it true?

I don't know.

Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't.

However, I could swear I felt love and lust at the same time towards someone. I really did.

People are strange.
-Jimmy Morrison (Song: People are Strange)

Life is weird.

Love is like a clusterfuck of materialism, lust, and human desire.

Nobody knows what love is.

... and nobody ever will.

Just live.

Life is a lie.

Life is lie with an "f".

Life is a lie with a fuck.

Just like diet is "die" and "it" put together.

But I think it all depends on the person.

Funny humans; such gullable creatures.

I think that we love to imagine things to avoid depressing ourselves over the true nature of life.

Then you fall for the belief, and it feels amazing.

But is it real...?

I'm just gonna live and find out.

Awesome idea is that this blog will survive as long as I live, and we will witness the changes of how I think as I grow up and see the world.

Boredom

2009-11-26T19:50:00.003+02:00

1) Life sucks.

2) People suck.

3) People are liars.

4) People say stuff just to get you to feel better when it's all full of crap, just like when you were a kid.

5) Eid sucks testicles.

6) I am really really fucking bored here.

7) My body is aching due to the fast walk thingy and I can barely move and I don't think I wanna do something today :\

8) Fuck you.

9) Fuck you.

10) What to do what to do...

11) Fuck you more.

12) I love sarcasm.

13) I love dark sarcasm that seems to be talking about normal stuff, when deep inside it's referring to a million stuff that would offend people.

14) I love alcohol.

15) I love smoking, but I might be quitting smoking sometime soon, but I would still smoke when I drink.

16) No idea if I should even keep smoking, I personally don't mind the side effects much.

17) I am in denial I think.

18) Things hit you when you remember how you were.

19) I love being immature, take it or leave it.

20) People (each and every one of them) are selfish.

21) It takes a REALLLLYYY long time to know people, no matter how much you knew them for.

22) I like boats.

23) Lots and lots of boats.

24) Ramble ramble ramble.

25) I love heavy metal.

26) I love being different.

27) I am proud of who I am, but it sucks how things can really be when you feel REALLLY good.

28) People are stronger on their own I believe, but they would have nothing to live for.

29) People are so full of shit you have no idea...

30) "Who wants to live forever" is an epic EPIC song by Queen.

Read those lyrics.

There's no time for us
There's no place for us
What is this thing that builds our dreams yet slips away
from us

Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever....?

There's no chance for us
It's all decided for us
This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us

Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever?

Who dares to love forever?
When love must die

But touch my tears with your lips
Touch my world with your fingertips
And we can have forever
And we can love forever
Forever is our today
Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever?
Forever is our today

Who waits forever anyway?

31) Enjoy number 30.

32) "Weakness" is also an awesome song, by Opeth. But I'll post it later.

33) I think I'm gonna start promoting my blog, seriously it sucks talking to YOURSELF THE ENTIRE TIME!

34) Communication in one direction sucks.

35) How much does a boat cost...?

36) So much to say so much time to say it, go figure, ran out of stuff to say just now.

Eid

2009-11-26T19:44:00.003+02:00

Looks like my blog is gonna be spamming with posts this holiday, let's say things take turns when you least expect them.

I just hate eid, I don't like going to see my fucking aunt -.-

Oh and most probably when we go visit her this time one cousin of mine is gonna be there with whom we had a bit of a problem a while back.

Don't you just love family?

Isn't it ironic how people are half the time better when you stay away from them? Go figure. Hell even me probably.

But the reason I'm saying that is coz the whole cousin problem started this ONE TIME I agreed to have quality time with that cousin. Well then things happened.

Another eid thought for you cunts, Muslims sacrifice sheep, which supposedly Stanists do. Now what does that say?

Btw Satanism apparently doesn't have anything to do with slaughtering animals as sacrifice, but of course there are always extremists. Go figure.

Well have a joyfully boring eid everyone, get stuffed with bad food and cheap chocolate and that coffee stuff.

Enjoy the slaughter :D

Fast walk

2009-11-26T11:02:00.003+02:00

Hey fast walk I'm happy for you and I'mma let you finish, but jesus walks was the best walk of all time. OF ALL TIME!!

Beh.

Anyway!

Fast walk is such epic win, it makes your muscles hurt.

Didn't think it would be so awesome, and it's well-organized and stuff.

However, Farah and Abidal ended up having a fight coz of Abidal having to pee lol, so we ended up being late after Abidal stormed out of the car and stuff hahaha. My god you guys -.-

But yeah we got there a bit late and started walking thinking about how we're gonna catch up with them, and we eventually did.

It's an awesome experience I think I'm going to become a regular for it.

Oh and one thing, don't EVER wear converse shoes to walk! EVAR!!!!

I felt blisters half the time while walking, but that's what made the whole walk more pleasurable. Bearing the pain, and seeing how strong you are while walking. Not letting the pain stop you, and controlling how you walk so that you wouldn't get a stiff muscle >.>

I was quite proud of myself as a smoker, since I was able to keep up and stay close to the front of the fast walkers; even though I was out of shape and was scared of getting a stiff calf muscle since it happened before... a lot >.> ...

And it was amazing, and my body is in pain and I'm damn happy about it.

And I'm still smoking healthy BITCHES!!

OHHH YEAHHH (Koolaid)

That is all for now.

Il mafrood breakfast with Chimmie and Farah and stuff, but nobody called back -.-

I'm gonna go nag.

Bye non-existant readers! Pye!

I don't know me.

2009-11-23T22:48:00.004+02:00

This is a bit of a typical childish poem, but I think I'm finding a keyhole.

When you don't know who you are...
People are further than far,
The lower you go, the lower you fall.

When you don't know who you are...
Words fail to amuse
Nothing sums up abuse.

When you don't know who you are...
Abuse is meaningless,
You believe you've done something that you haven't experienced.

When you don't know who you are...
You are your own violator,
And cries for help are kept for later.

When you don't know who you are...
You're missing things you've missed,
The joy of others gets you pissed.

When you don't know who you are...
You don't need drugs to be paranoid,
Humans look like Blastoise.

When you don't know who you are...
Comfort is a state of mind,
And your heart's perception is blind.

When you don't know who you are...
People get disgusted,
And they ignore you if you're busted.

When you don't know who you are...
You have to fight your own battles,
Because you had no time for rattles.

When you don't know who you are...
Admitting it is hard,
And you're the only one who's far.

When you don't know who you are...
Feelings are unattatched,
And you hurt a perfect match.

When you don't know who you are...
You're all on your own since nobody understands you,
And you don't understand either, so you can't talk, too.

When you don't know who you are...
Lies are in each corner for you to join and die,
Nobody can help you but you, no matter how much they try.

When you don't know who you are...
Wings are broken,
And angels lack emotion.

When you don't know who you are...
A heart with broken wings, in a nest,
It cries from afar, unable to rest.

When you don't know who you are...
Blame is a Russian roulette,
With 6 bullets loaded, and all is dead.

When you don't know who you are...
Feelings are unexplained,
Love remains detained.

When you don't know who you are...
You scream for attention,
But you're in detention.

When you don't know who you are...
You walk alone,
Nothing but a dead drone.

When you don't know who you are...
You're inable to get help,
A psycho for all, you're alone in hell.

When you don't know who you are...
You are a creep,
And all you can do is weep.

Yeah...

It's time for me to start to help myself find who I am.

I have nobody to drag down with me, I have no reason to hold back, yet I don't know where to start.

All Apologies to whom it may concern.

I think that I love alcohol because it started making me someone I like, because I don't know who I am, and I'm convinced it's me.

But how do I know it is?

I think I have bipolar disorder because I still don't know who I am, so many things seem out of character.

How do I find you...?
How am I gonna find me...?

Honesty is a trait... that's a start...

Since I've Been Loving You

2009-11-22T10:03:00.002+02:00

GREAT GREAT song!!!

Led Zeppelin.... :)

Led Zeppelin's Since I've Been Loving You

One of the most touching songs ever :)

Lyrics (video is further below):

Working from seven to eleven every night,
It really makes life a drag, I don't think that's right.
I've really, really been the best of fools, I did what I could.
'Cause I love you, baby, How I love you, darling, How I love you, baby,
How I love you, girl, little girl.
But baby, Since I've Been Loving You. I'm about to lose my worried mind, oh, yeah.

Everybody trying to tell me that you didn't mean me no good.
I've been trying, Lord, let me tell you, Let me tell you I really did the best I could.
I've been working from seven to eleven every night, I said It kinda makes my life a drag.
Lord, that ain't right...
Since I've Been Loving You, I'm about to lose my worried mind.

Said I've been crying, my tears they fell like rain,
Don't you hear, Don't you hear them falling,
Don't you hear, Don't you hear them falling.

Do you remember mama, when I knocked upon your door?
I said you had the nerve to tell me you didn't want me no more, yeah
I open my front door, hear my back door slam,
You must have one of them new fangled back door man.

I've been working from seven, seven, seven, to eleven every night, It kinda makes my life a drag...
Baby, Since I've Been Loving You, I'm about to lose, I'm about lose to my worried mind.